Hey guys! I had an appointment today and got to see Maggie. She is doing great! No fluid changes, but she is still growing, and heart beat was great! She moved her legs today!! All I could do was cry. God is great! NONE of her limbs are fused right now!! I also did some research today on donating my breast milk, and will be doing so as long as blood work comes back fine. Please continue to pray for us. Tomarrow we are going to the funeral home to make final arrangments for Maggie. Again, I know God can still work a miracle for us, but what if  Maggie is someone elses miracle? So, if the arrangments are not needed praise the LORD, but if they are then my only job will be to heal.

I need you guys to say another prayer another mother going threw the same thing that I am. She is a little further along with a boy, but he has the same disease as Maggie. Please pray for a miracle, peace, and grace for the family.

I will blog again tomorrow about the final arrangement. THANK YOU all for reading this, and being apart of Maggie's Journey. :)

                                             intransitive verb. 1. : to cherish a desire with anticipation

Maggie head with eyes open ,nose, and daddy's cheek 

I had another ultra sound appointment this morning. It went great Maggie is measuring 24 weeks and that is what we are. Her Heart beat was 158 , and she decided to really put on a show for us. We are pretty sure that we seen girl parts! Still, hard to tell because of the fluid level being none. She did give us a great profile shot with eyes open. She has her daddy's cheeks , she is going to have big beautiful eyes. It might be awhile before I post again so don't get nervous that anything bad is happening , I just want to spend some quiet down time this weekend. I have another Pregnancy center appointment on Tues, we go to the funeral home on Wed, and a counseling appointment on Mon. I just want to thank the Pregnancy Resource center in Kankakee. You give me memories, moments with my Maggie, and friendship. I would be lost with out you guys right now. I would also like to say thank you to our Church for all the support that they have given. THANK YOU

Crazy making arrangments with a hiccuping baby.

Whew! A lot has happened today... Let me first start off with the good news. I went to the doctor this morning, and my blood pressure was 109/79 ( do the happy dance (_]_) ... (_/_). ..(_\_).. )  Maggie is still here with us today, and her heart rate was great 159 ! The doctor did answer some important questions for me today. 1) Are there lungs showing up on the ultra sounds, and if so can we put the baby on a ventilator? Answer: There are no lungs and with out lungs or lung tissue it would be pointless to vent. 2) Does the baby have any organs that we can donate for organ transplants? Answer: Yes, right now that baby does have organs that we can donate to save other babies, but we would talk more about this the closer to delivery date. My next appointment is in a couple of weeks for another check in.


Maggie is still here with us, but we have started to make funeral and cemetery arrangements. With that being said let me start telling you about the bad part of my day.  I was at Memorial gardens right after my OB appointment. I said a prayer on the way there asking God to give me the strength , peace, and grace to make it threw the meeting. Once, I was there is was surprisingly calm and ready to make decisions. My husband and my in-laws met me there. Once, in the meeting I was told to look threw a book of headstones to pick out which one we wanted. I let the lady know that we would look , but there was other things I wanted to talk about first. My father in law started asking questions about his heads stones and where the babies would be placed. I was fine with all of this. The the director told us all the spot where the baby would be placed and that it would be $500 to open and close the grave, plus another $1300 for the head stone. I got really upset !! I said I thought that we were here to discuss where the baby would be placed. She then preceded to say that that was already discussed with my mother in law. Then I hit the roof . I started yelling what the F*ck was I here for if decisions had already been made. Then I broke down started crying , and grabbed my things and left. I was so hurt... I do not have a lot of things that are in my control right now , and the ones that I do have I would like to make decisions for even if they are as small as right, left, top , bottom. I felt like a fool. Here I call this lady make an appointment for the meeting, and behind my back decisions were already made. That as a terrible feeling. I think my mother in law thought that she was helping, but it hurt to have important decisions taken away from not only me, but my husband. I went to my grandmothers house to cool off , give my Hayden a great big bear hug, and speak to my husband about why I stormed out on him when he needed me just as much as I needed him.




After we talked , we decided that we could not use  Memorial Gardens for two reasons 1) Cost .. almost 1,800 was WAY out of our budget even on a payment plan  2) We would never truly feel like we had been the ones to make the decisions about laying our sweet Maggie to rest.  So, we called Mound Grove , and All Saints. We ended up going with All Saints they have a special piece of land set aside called " Baby land". Only babies can buried on this land, and they have special packages to help keep the cost low for families. When we got to the cemetery we went out, and found the plots on the land that were available. We ended up picking a beautiful spot to the right of the monument dedicating the area. Maggie started to hiccup and move so she must have liked the spot as well.  I lost it when I seen the graves with match box cars just resting on top. Not to mention that I was just at the doctors to hear the drumming of a heart beating so perfectly. Next, we went back in to sign paper work , discuss pricing , and what all came in the package. When everything was said and done the total package was $700. We needed 10 % and set up a payment plan. With things being so tough... this financial is going to be a big stretch for us , but a lot easier to digest than 1,800.


We have an appointment next week to finalize arrangements with the funeral home. Now that the day is done... I am at peace with knowing that WE ( my husband and I ) made decisions that we are happy with. When the baby passes our only job will be to grieve and no one will be responsible for decisions making.

Hey, guys! I just wanted to stop by and let everyone know that Maggie is still here with us! I did a lot to much today and my belly is very sore, but she is still hiccuping. I have an OB  appointment tomorrow, and will update after I come home. Please be patient tomorrow, we also have to go pick out the spot at the cemetery where we will be laying Maggie to rest. I have replayed this scene  several times in my mind since calling to make the appointment ... I am hoping to be on auto pilot tomorrow , because tomorrow is not the day that I get to completely come apart. I am trying to look at it, if though, I am going to pick out our earthy meeting place where I get to talk to her and keep her updated on life. Just say an extra prayer for me that I have peace and strength to get my threw the day.

Last night was Hayden's first night of soccer! HE LOVED IT. THANK YOU AUNT NEMO FOR THE GREAT CHRISTMAS GIFT! He woke up this morning asking to practice. ( This could be another reason why I am so sore, I was out on the field with him last night bending, walking, and helping him with the ball)

We painted golf balls this morning.. As you can see he had a blast!! Being a homeschooling mom is one thing I am going to miss terribly.. once this is over with Maggie I am going to have to go back to work to pay off medical bills , and house hold payments that we have gotten behind on. So, I am enjoying every minute of it now :)

We went to church this morning. I don't know why it is so hard for me once we get there. We were singing today, and I just start sobbing. Maybe, it is because all of the songs praise him for the great things/miracles he performs, and then I get so angry because any day now he could make the other kidney start to work. I am not doubting him or testing him. I KNOW he can, but I do not understand why he chooses not to. Also, the amazing people from the pregnancy resource center were there today to give the church an update on the works that they do. I just started sobbing all over again. They showed a video of a journey threw pregnancy with scripture quotes. One just punched me in the gut... All your days have been ordained from beginning to end, and you are wonderfully made with a purpose. I want to know her purpose is, and I want her ending not to be in my life time. No one should ever have to endure the pain of loosing a child , and have to place them to rest . It should be the other way around. I AM SO ANGRY AND HURT! I have no choice , but to keep praising him because of the wonderful life and people that he has lent to me. I would be lost with out my family, ,my son, and husband. THANK YOU to everyone that has kept us in your prayers and is spreading the word with Maggie's button. Maggie is still here today with lots of hiccups :)

I need you all to say a special prayer for my best friend. Her grandmother is in her final hours of her fight with kidney failure. Please pray for her and her family.. Peace, strength, and grace.

Just doing some more research on the top states with Mcdk and look at this...

IL and IN ... Makes you wonder if it is not something in water, meat, or soil....

January 21, 2012:

I just want to apologize to everyone for the negative rant yesterday. There is really nothing to justify me going on like that. Seeing that baby took my day from bad to horrible. I am blessed in so many ways that I should be praising God for all the good things instead of the couple of bad things.

Maggie is still here with us today. She keeps having hiccups and moving all a round. I took the time to make up a button image. If you all could change your profile picture or post to your wall we would greatly appreciate it. I want people to be aware of Maggie's life while she is here on earth and the disease she is fighting. Keep those prayers coming we need all the help we can get right now. Again, thank you for reading and being apart of Maggie's journey.

Update on Maggie and a lot of ranting.

January 20, 2012:
Ultra sound went good yesterday. Maggie's heart beat was 159 , amniotic fluid is still the same ( NONE), and she is still growing. I am going to cancel my doctor appointment on Monday with the high risk OB in Orland. It is finally starting to set in that no one will be able to help us. Plus, when I hear ," I am so sorry Mrs. Anderson there is nothing we can do." I will be devastated all over again , and my heart can only handle so much right now. 


Today has been a rough day. Bills keep coming in the mail that I have no clue how we are going to pay. Not to mention we are having to rob Peter to pay Paul as it is ( so we thought).  The "Peter" bill was on auto deduct, and since the bill was more that it should of been ( error on there part and I already called to get this fixed ) it took out every last cent we had in our checking account. I went to Kroger to try to return a gift card given to us for Christmas, but they will not return prepaid cards ( great). I scrapped together $15 to put into our checking so I hope we do not have anymore surprise to make us bounce.
Next, we went to go grocery shopping at ALDI  with a Visa gift card we got in the mail from ATT ( we have been hoarding the $50 card since November and it was suppose to go to our license plates ( so much for that) ) The card did not work at ALDI ... I also had a major break down in line and started sobbing. NEW BORN BABY in the cart right in front of us. I was fine at first and then my mind started turning. The baby was so sweet and I just wanted to pick him up and love on him. Then the realization hit were no matter what I will not be able to have that with my baby. So then I am just sobbing because not only am I embarrassed about the card not working, but about the new born baby I just want and will not be able to get. Then we tired to go to an ATM to pull the money off the card to go pay for the food and that would not work. So, off to Walmart we went, we got basically nothing for $45 and I price matched. ( I know I should be thankful we got that at this point)



I know life is a struggle, but seriously I HAVE HAD MY SHARE! I have no choice , but to continue .. I really just want to curl up in the fetal position and just wait till the storm passes. I can't work, and I can't fix my baby I feel so helpless. It is only going to get worse those bills that we are not able to pay this month , plus the crazy extra plates, drivers licenses, bank fee's for our house, medical bills... It all just keeps coming and I need it to stop before my head explodes. Plus, I am starting to get jealous of other peoples lives with healthy babies, can afford to stay home and get their hair done, nails done, kids enrolled in great activities , nice clothing. GRRR! I am going to stop now because my thoughts are negative and you all have herd enough of my crazy ranting..

January 18, 2012:

Just doing some research on the diagnosis that the doctor from UIC gave us . The highlighted part breaks my heart

What is multicystic dysplastic kidney?

To understand this condition, it is helpful to understand how the urinary tract works.  In simple terms, the kidneys (we typically have two) filter the blood and remove waste products that are then taken out of the body in the urine. The cortex of the kidneys make the urine. This urine is collected in the pelvis, which empties into a tube (the ureter) and then drains into the bladder. From the bladder the urine is drained out of the body through the urethra. 

During pregnancy the placenta does most of this work for the baby. The baby's kidneys start to produce urine beginning between the fifth and ninth weeks. Before birth, the urine made by the kidneys contributes to the amount of amniotic fluid that surrounds the baby. The amniotic fluid is important for the lungs development and maturing as well as giving the baby a "cushion" and providing him or her space to move.

Twenty to thirty percent of birth defects diagnosed prenatally (before birth) have to do with the urinary tract. Unilateral (one side) multicystic dysplastic kidney (MCDK) occurs in 1 in 1,000 to 4,300 babies born. MCDK is most commonly seen in Caucasian (white) babies. MCDK is seen slightly more often in boys than girls. Cases in girls are two times more likely to have bilateral (affecting both kidneys) MCDK disease along with other birth defects. The two most common birth defects seen with MCDK that are not related to the urinary tract are esophageal atresia (a condition in which the esophagus, or food pipe,  does not connect to the stomach) and heart problems. Esophageal atresia can be fixed with surgery. Most cases of MCDK occur on one side, most often on the left side.  

Sometimes MCDK will be seen on both sides (1 in 10,000 live births) *That would mean we are the only people in the Allstate Arena if every seat was filled to get this*  or will be seen on one side with no kidney on the other side. Both of these conditions are lethal. Lethal means that the baby cannot survive after birth because there is no treatment to fix the problem.  One of the biggest reasons that these conditions are lethal is because the urine made by the kidneys adds to the amniotic fluid. If there are no kidneys or the kidneys do not function and make amniotic fluid, the baby's lungs will not develop. The amniotic fluid is needed for the baby's lungs to grow and mature. However, as long as one kidney is working there should be an enough amniotic fluid for the lungs to grow and mature. 

Multicystic dysplasia of the kidney is the most common cause of an abdominal mass in the newborn. Other names used to describe this condition can include multicystic kidney and multicystic renal dysplasia.  The ultrasound pictures will show a large, echogenic (bright white) kidney with multiple cysts (fluid filled masses) of various sizes. The MCDK kidney has little or no function. In the past, before the more routine use of ultrasound with pregnancy, these were diagnosed on physical exam after birth. However, today about 70 percent are seen on ultrasound before the baby is born. The cause of the disorder is not known.  It is suspected that it is the result of an early blockage. In other words, the flow of urine was blocked somewhere along its pathy from the cortex of the kidney before it could exit the body. We know it is not caused by anything the mother did or did not do. 


The difference between this diagnosis and the original one of poly cystic kidney disorder is that the poly form is genetic. I do not want to be with out hope , but reading things like that makes me just cringe. PLEASE KEEP PRAYING THAT ONE OF THE KIDNEY'S WILL START TO FUNCTION.


I am still waiting to hear back from the University of Kansas.... Tomorrow will be a good day. I get to meet with my friend Teri and see Maggie. Poor thing keeps having the hiccups .. at least I know she is still here.

January 17, 2012:
3:30 PM: I just got off the phone with the cemetery. We have an appointment next Wednesday at 10 AM to pick out a spot to lay Maggie to rest. How creepy is it that the hole time I was on the phone she is in my belly hiccuping.. It is so hard to plan this with her still alive. I did not cry, I am so proud of my self.  Wednesday might be a different story. * I just want to apologize for the horrible grammar and punctuation. When I write this I really do not stop, and re read or rephrase. I think if I would then you would not get the full effects of my feelings, and I might be tempted to edit out stuff. So, since I will not be getting published anytime soon thank you for dealing with the atrociousness*  

CRAZY LADY WITH A PHONE

January 17, 2012 :
10:30 AM : I feel like a crazed person. I have spent most of my time on the phone this morning searching for a doctor appointment, with any doctor that is willing to help. I was referred to a Dr. A  ( High Risk OB ) in Orland by another mother going thew a similar situation. I called Dr. A 's office this morning and had to go thew three people just to get an appointment with him. The one even asked why did I think he could help if the Dr at UIC could not. I wanted to reach threw the phone and choke her, but I calmly said that we are in this for the long haul and ANY doctor willing to help us we would like to see. Finally, I got an appointment for Monday the 23. Whew, and I did not have to choke anyone.

The next phone call I made was to the University of Kansas. I am seeking out a DR. Alan YU. According to the research I have done the University of Kansas is the leading hospital in the United State on research with PKD/ MKD ( Polycystic/ Multicystic Kidney Disease). The lady on the phone was very nice, but again I had to explain our situation, and let her know that I am not crazy I am just trying to save my baby's life. She was very kind and said she would check with Dr. YU  nurse and see if he was OK with us sending all medical records and scans to see if he could help. I don't think I will let the phone out of my site today.

I am stilling trying to get ahold of DR. Y here in town. Her phone lines have been down for the past two days. I want to get back to the hospital and get hooked up to IV's to see if that will raise my fluid levels again. I feel like this is one giant cycle of crazy. I don't want to take no for an answer , but every time I get a no it tears my heart up. I go threw depression , till the next crazy idea pops in my head of what to do next. Then I get a little bit of hope till it is crushed. Don and I have talked about not searching for help any more because it leaves me so fragile, but I am afraid if I do not keep searching that after the baby born and does not survive I will not be able to look in the mirror at my self for the rest of my life. 

Talking about the baby we keep going back and forth on if we want the baby to be put on a vent or not. At one moment we say no let nature take it coarse, then we here of a miracle story and re think our decision. This is by far the hardest thing in my life that I have done threw. If I live threw this I will not be the same but I will be grateful just to be living. Yet again, I am going to ask... Would anyone like to trade me for just five sweet minutes? My head needs to stop spinning, I need to sleep, and I need not to cry. Keep praying and never take for granted your healthy children that God has giving you.

January 16, 2012:
I woke up from a strange dream.. I was speaking to the paster of  a church. He said two things to me 1. You are truly saved and have nothing to worry about. 2. No matter how much you will/ pray the only way to receive a miracle from God is to have true FAITH. Then I woke up . FREAKY.
Also, I need you guys to pray for Don and his family. We got word this morning that his uncle has passed away. Don is on overload with everything that has been happening. Please pray for peace and understanding during this time.
Really sad , but really amazed at modern medicine. Someone brought it to my attention today that there is a local boy living with only 1/2 a HEART. They are having a fundraiser for the family. ( Really amazed and happy for the family) This makes me sad that medical professionals can figure that out , but they have no help for us. :(

January 15, 2012:
I could not go to church again today. I feel like another balloon of hope was popped the other day. I love the Lord , but I do not feel like singing his praises right now. I did speak to a wonderful women late tonight. Her story is very similar to mine. Her baby is 4 months old and has had both of the kidney's removed. They are waiting on a donor for the little fighter. If everyone could say a prayer for baby M and his family I would appreciate it. She gave me names of a couple of doctors and has soon as Tuesday hits I will be on the phone. She did remind me that any road along this journey is going to be HELL. She is so right......

January 14, 2012:
We got some good news , but the prognosis is still the same. We found out that the baby does in fact have 2 kidney's, stomach, and a bladder. All the organs it needs... , but both kidneys are not functioning. One is full of cysts and the other one can not keep up the work for both , so it is not functioning because of that. With that being said about the kidney's they are saying the lungs will never develop because of lack of fluid. Keep praying for us! That one kidney still has a chance to work and fight. It is not over till the dear lord stops the heart. I have one more call that I am going to make to the university of Kansas to see if they can help. The key to all of this is to have fluid for the lung development. If the lung develop then we have so many options, dialysis.. transplant.. etc . but with out the fluid for the lungs there is no hope.

January 13, 2012: Today is the day ... I am Nervous! I hate to travel...... anxious about the news the Dr will give us..... I am trying to be positive , but my stomach is in knots

January 12, 2012:
Appointment at UIC tom at 2pm for another level 2 ultra sounds, then on Mon at 3pm we meet with the specialist. Wish us luck! I am ready to get answers that we NEED.
On a side note Hayden has told me 3 times today that I look cute! What a great husband he is going to make one day. ♥

January 11, 2012:
Babies heart beat is still strong. I am still measuring up to a 22 week baby. Dr.Y  did kinda tee me off... She wants to wait and do an ultra sound in a couple more weeks... If she tells me that next time I go , I am thinking about switching DR. She said even if the baby does have a bladder the lungs will not develop because lack of fluid. I let her know that we are now in it for the long haul and if there is anything that can be done for the baby it needs to happen. ; /

January 10, 2012:
OB appointment in the morning! Hopefully, we will have some positive news and she will agree to do an ultra sound to see what the tech at the pregnancy center has seen. Then maybe we can have a different coarse of action if she sees a bladder too. Wish us luck and keep praying please!!

This made me stop and think. Then is gave me a little hope :) Life is so precious and it is a miracle with everything that could of gone wrong that any of us are here. 
Finishing up blogging and Hayden as been awake laying in his bed for over an hour. I hear the worlds wimpiest cough, then mom I firsty I neeeeed a drink. He comes out and gets a loooong drink. Smiles the worlds biggest shit eaten grin , and says I not firsty anymore.... I love you mama. How do you get mad a that!

January 9, 2012:
Here is some ultra sound pic of the baby and Hayden drawling his baby Maggie a picture.

January 9, 2012:
So thankful for my new friends at the pregnancy resource center! They let me me come in for support and do ultra sounds so I can see my precious baby. The baby decided to play peek a boo with us today ( she kept putting her hands over her eyes then taking them away and smiling ). So thankful that I get to have moments like that. Thank you Sheri and Teri for giving me little moments that mean the world to me :) Baby is still doing the same, little or no amino fluid and heart beat is still great! Here is another song that I found to help put my emotions into words about the baby.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARIe3PUgu84

January 7, 2012:
Seriously, if one more bad thing happens to us , I think I might need to be placed on the 2nd floor. We are now having issues with Don's work because he was sick. Please pray that the issue is really only small not HUGE.

January 6, 2012: One word today EXHAUSTED!

January 5, 2011:
Oh, what a day! I have to keep reminding myself that God does not give us more than we can handle. Also, I am so very grateful for the kind , awesome, amazing people that are helping us out right now.

January 4, 2012:
Don is sick again. We are waiting on the results to see if Don has pneumonia .... hopefully they will get the results before its time for him to go to work tomorrow so he can return... someone needs to be working in this situation. When it rains its pours .. good thing I am out doing a dance in it.

January 2, 2012:
I went to church yesterday and could hardly make it threw the service! I am so mad at God! If he is so awesome and can perform miracles then I would love for him to intervene at anytime here. I am only human and this is way to much for me to handle on my own......... I just want to say thank you to Don for making dinner tonight. I love you .

January 1 , 2012: 
2012 I think you are going to be the hardest year of my life.... So, just bring it !

December 31, 2011: In all honesty I have been having good days and bad. Some days I don't want to get out of bed and all I do is stare at the wall.  My marriage is really being tested right now. I want to get out of the house and go some where to get my mind off of everything. I just have no clue what to do. I know, I will go to the store and pick up stuff for a yummy dinner. Spaghetti, french bread, and sparkling cider. Don is working the bar tonight so just me and Hayden to ring in the new year. The end of 2011 has really sucked for us, so I am praying that 2012 will be kind to us.

December 30, 2011: I have been craving clementines and oranges... I just ate the best orange I have had in a long time mmmmm yummy! The best part was a 3 lb bag at Aldi was only 99 cents I found this song that sums up a lot of what I am feeling about the baby right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlDUkp1Ts8A

December 29, 2011: Back to eating clean today. I need to get all of this crap food and toxins out of my body. It should help get some of the funky thought out too. Please pray that I have the strength to detox while trying not to eat my feelings.I hate being alone with my thoughts.. In the end I just sit here and cry my eyes out. On a side note I feel like a terrible mother. Hayden spilled half a jar of gold fish crackers.. I got so angry with him , I spanked him and sent him to bed at 7:15. Now I am beating myself up because of that too.

December 28, 2011:
Well, went to the OB today, baby still has a healthy heart beat. I did gain 6 lbs (IN A WEEK) and we can't blame it on fluid :( SOME ONE PLEASE TAKE THE FOOD AWAY I AM EATING MY FEELINGS ;/
  Dr Y gave me a pass and said it was from Christmas just to be careful because of my blood pressure. (Someone seriously needs to hide the cookie from me.) 
If there was ever a time in my life that I wished I had $ it is now. I would spend it all to try and find a cure for my baby. If that did not work then we would have money for some one else to have a baby for us or adoption. :(
I feel that if I hope or a miracle then I am just setting my self up for a major mental break down when this all happens. If I think the worst then nothing else can happen. My goal right now is just to be able to live threw this.

I did get my house cleaned today! 
To end this on a lighter note....Herd a silly joke... How does Moses make his tea? HEBREWS it bahaha.

December 25, 2011: Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday our Savior Jesus has arrived! Boy, it was a long night with Alvin. I forgot what it was like to wake up every two hours to meet someone needs. I ended up just letting him sleep on my chest all night. We had Don's mom and dad over for breakfast.... Guess, who forgot to go shopping for Christmas morning. ME! I felt terrible... good thing I have an awesome mother in law and she saved the day with coffee cake and bacon. Whew! Hayden had so much fun opening up all of his gifts. He is truly spoiled rotten! Don has to work today :( Hayden and me will be going out to my YiaYia's house for Christmas dinner. I hope everyone day is great!

December 24, 2011: Meet Alvin, he is the newest addition to our family. I am hoping that he with help improve Hayden's behavior and help me keep my mind off of things. I also want to send out an apologizes to all of our family for not getting Christmas cards out. I hope your holiday is merry and bright.

December 23, 2011:
8AM:  Tired of having nightmares! Since, I am not going to get what I original asked for , for Christmas... I would like to just get away and sit in a huge bath tub and unwind, but since that will not be able to happen , looks like I should shut up and appreciate what I do have this year.
1PM: I  just found out that my grandpa is at the hospital not doing well. He is stage 4 renal failure. I am on my way up to see him.... I just got back and he is one tough cookie hanging in there.
3PM:The baby has been moving like crazy all afternoon. It makes me so sad , but since we don't get to count up like most people are we are doing the count down... I am just so blessed to be able to feel her.

December 22, 2011: Well, its been a good day. Got up out of bed, picked up the house then cleaned . All I have left is the bathroom and to  mop :(  Wrapped some more Christmas gifts and made  home made chicken soup . The baby has been moving up a storm and it makes me so sad. I am not able to eat .. it is so hard to take the next breath. I have to keep reminding my self to just breathe.

December 21, 2011:  
8AM: Instead of wondering when it will stop pouring rain on me, I am choosing to dance in it.

2PM: Mom's I need your help. Hayden will not stop freaking out about every little thing, yelling, screaming, throwing crazy fits!! I don't know if it is he way of dealing with our situation ... I can't take it any more . So, far I have not spanked ,but I am getting close.. Any advice?

5PM: ( This is not directed from me asking for advice from above it is directed at someone making comments about our decisions walking this road)  I am going to say this only once LIFE IS SHORT.. If you do not like what I am doing with mine please press the delete button on  here or on  face book please keep your comments to you self. Frankly, unless I ask you for your opinion about my life than keep your snide comments to your self. It may not be what you would choose or what you think you might do, but till you walk a mile in my shoes right now KEEP IT TO YOUR SELF!

( I just pressed the delete button for them :p )

December 20, 2011: Sad today... Thanks guys for the inspirational stories about people that you know. Please do not send anymore. It just makes it harder to except our reality. The ultra sound they did yesterday showed that I did not have even a drop of amino fluid. At this point we are just praying that the baby peacefully passes on its own and then I can be induced locally before a c-section is necessary.

December19, 2011: 
6 AM :Please pray for me.... I am scared! I just wanna get this over with and come home to my baby boy that I love and need to finish raising.
7 AM: Just received a call from DR. Y ... she called to make sure that everything was a go for this morning.. IT IS NOT. Hospital R is now saying  the situation needs to be ethically reviewed, and the only lady that is on the board is on vacation. The person they left in charge will not make the decision either way because he feels that he is not qualified to make it. Dr.Y is pushing for him to make the decision because he was left in charge. I am besides my self. This is crazy talk about making a person feel horrible because they choose to terminate. I am about ready to sue for pain and suffering.
8 AM: At Hospital R for an ultra sound to make sure if the baby still has a heart beat, and she does. We are going back home to wait for the decision. 

4PM: Hospital R is refusing to do the procedure. They are giving the same reasons why they will not do it that the Catholic hospital did. Dr. Y suggests that we call the University hospital up north to see if they will do the procedure.  I am not comfortable going up north, I have had a c-section and I could hemorrhage because of this and I am NOT being 2 hours away from my son if I need to say goodbye. I am going to call them anyways to see what they have to say. 
4:30 PM: I just got off the phone with the termination specialist. She stated that we have 3 choices and all the risks for my health would be the same with them all.. 1. We could do a D&E. She described the procedure and it is horrible. They wrench open your cervix and vacuum the baby out. If the baby does not come out in one piece they have to surgically cut the baby. My response to this was that my baby was still alive and I thought that was beyond cruel. She them let me know that we could come in the day before where they would stick a needle threw my belly and into the baby to stop the heart. ( OPTION OUT) 2. They could induce labor. 3. Wait till the baby suffocated by clamping its own cord or I went into labor. 
After speaking with her I did not feel comfortable with her. I was just another medical file placed on her desk. I felt like she had detached her self from feeling and she was ultimately a death dealer. I let her know that we would not be terminating. 
We have decided to let nature run its course and not go up north for a D&E or induction. If I get to "full term" we will do a C section. I just want to tell everyone THANK YOU for helping us or praying for us this week.
8PM: After a long process of thinking that we are in control I just could not ignore the road blocks that God kept putting up. I am throwing my hands up he has a plan and I jut need to sit back and role with the punches. I am at peace that ultimately the baby can not survive. I know that if we do the procedure today, tomorrow, or wait for the c section it still will be a hard process. Life is very short and we never know if we will get 1 day or the next 30 years. I plan on enjoying my family and living life to the fullest with my blessing of a baby boy. ( As I am typing now he is hiding in the curtain digging into a treat bag trying to be sneaky ,like I have no clue what is going on).This was all meant to happen for a reason. I will survive this life changing event and hopefully move on , but never forget or be the same.

December 17, 2011: I slept all night just out of sheer exhaustion ..... I did wake up to Don having the stomach flu now.  Everyone please pray that I do not get this bug, it would make it a rough time for Monday.

December 16, 2011:  Dr. Y called at 1pm.... She let us know that that our local Catholic hospital denied us the "privilege" of doing the procedure at their hospital. She did not give any reasons as of why, and said that we were able to go to Hospital R ( our other local hospital) on Monday morning to have the procedure done. Everything was set up and we had nothing to worry about. I was not happy with them not giving an explanation as to why they would not do the procedure. I called up the hospital and asked to speak with someone on the ethical board. This person happened to be a nun. The nun  said  the answer was no because 1. baby is measuring the gestational age that it should be 2. my placenta is functioning as it should be 3. my health is not an immediate threat. I just think it is BULL my BABY has no amnio fluid, they would rather it die by suffixation and have to be in pain. They will even put dogs out of there misery and not let them suffer. The baby does not have a bladder ( you need it to live), the baby only has one kidney FULL of cyst that is not functioning ( you need that to live). The nun did go on and say that if I wanted to have a psychiatric evaluation and say that I was suicidal they would be willing to do the procedure. She also said that she would be praying for me. That is when I promptly told her where she could stick her prayers and that I would not compromise my mental health, give up my parental rights just to have the procedure done at her hospital.
This is the first time in the whole  situation that I can honestly say that I am angry!! I never asked for this. All I ever prayed for every night was a healthy baby an healthy delivery for me and the baby and for me or the baby not to have complications. I guess it was all way to much to ask for. To top it all off today Hayden has the stomach flu. I am hanging by a thread here.......

December 15, 2011: I am determined to have a great day today. Wrapping Christmas presents, shopping , and baking cookies with Hayden. No more crying.... just waiting to hear the news.

The day my heart got crushed

December 14, 2011 :  On the way up to Hinesdale hospital I was contracting very hard and about 2 minutes apart. Once we got to the hospital I could not walk and Don had to push me into the specialist office. Once inside it seemed like forever till we got back for our level 2 ultra sound. The tech scanned me first for about a good 30 minutes. The whole time I just stared at the screen wondering how such a precious life could be hanging by threads. Once she was done with the scan the doctor came in and scanned me himself for a good 30 mintues ( the whole time make hmm and mmmm noises). Once he was done he explaned that from what he could see the baby only had one kidney that was full of cysts, possible no bladder, or stomach, and the second most common pediatric heart defect ( by the way our son was born with the most common). The only thing that came to my mind was would drinking cranberry juice help ( I knew the answer to my question, but just needed some comedic relief at the moment). He gently put his hand on my knee , chuckled... and said, " no my dear cranberry juice will not help out in this situation." He went on to say that the pregnancy was lethal and that we should terminate. All of my worst fears had been confirmed. We thanked him and he left the room. I made it all the way back to the check out window with out sobbing. The nurse asked if we would like to speak to someone that was good at talking about this. I said no and ran like a fool all the way back to the car. Once in the car I sobbed till I could not see and the snot just running down my face. My husband gave me a bear hug and said that one day we would be OK. On the way home I called our family to give them the news then called our priest. On the phone with the priest I wanted to make sure that God would not hate me for terminating the child that we gave us. He assured me that God could not hate me, and with all the problems that the baby had it was the most human thing to do if the baby would not live. The next phone call I made was to DR.Y to schedule the termination appointment. We were told to come in that afternoon at 1:30 to talk about everything with her.
1:30 in the afternoon:  Dr.Y explained that this would not be an easy procedure. I could not take a pill to abort the baby.. I would have to be induced into labor and deliver a live baby. Our first hurdle would be to have our local catholic hospital agree to let the procedure be done there. She would call and have it ethically reviewed and get back to us with an answer.

December 13, 2011: Out of the hospital again. The IV's are not keeping me stable so they released me. On a positive note I got an appointment at Hinsdale tomorrow morning at 9 am for the special level 2  ultra sound. Keep praying that baby will hold out till we can see the specialist tomorrow.

December 12, 2011: Back in the hospital. Amino fluid went back down to 1 cm. We have a appointment at UIC on Thursday. Baby heart beat is still strong!! They have determined that I am not in pre labor ( my cervix is not dilated and I am not leaking fluid). Everyone is still stumped so hopefully we can get some answers on Thursday. I am hoping they will let me go home and rest up before we go up north.

BED REST

December 11, 2011: Being on bed rest stinks! Thank you mom for keeping cleaning my house, Alice for taking Hayden to the Christmas party, and Dee for taking Hayden for the day. Hopefully we will hear a strong heart beat and see lots of Amino fluid at the hospital tomorrow.

The day the rain started

December 9, 2011: This day started out as a "normal". We were headed up to a private ultra sound company about an hour north of us. My husband and I arrived excited, and happy to find out the sex of our second child. We got signed in taken back to the room. I laid down on the table and waited to see the image on the screen of the baby. The ultra sound tech said, "OH NO.... the baby has a heart beat, but you have almost no amniotic fluid." She then asked if we would like to still find out the sex of the baby. I said no. They called Dr.Y right away, refunded our money, and gave us the directions to go straight to our local hospital where Dr.Y would be meeting us. The drive home seemed like it took forever, even though it really only took 20min. We waited almost 2 hours for Dr.Y to arrive. In the mean time I had an ultra sound at the hospital to confirm the news. I only had 1 cm of fluid ( you are suppose to have close to 8cm). Dr. Y came in the room delivered  the news and said the baby had a 50/50 chance of survival. I was hooked up to IV fluid and had to stay the night. 

December 10, 2011: At 6:30 AM  I was woken up to have another ultra sound.  Around 9:30 Am Dr.Y came to delivered  the news that my fluid had went up from 1 cm to 3 cm. I said a silent prayer to the dear lord thanking him. Dr.Y said that my fluid was not were it need to be, but it was a major improvement . Also, she reported that I did not have a tear in the fluid sac and that my body was functioning just as it should be. They were thinking it was something wrong with the baby. Dr. Y said I would need to stay till at least 8 pm to continue the fluids then I could go home as long as I drank 4 L of water and stayed in bed on Sunday. I agreed and was thankful to be going home to my Hayden and to get some sleep. We were to come back to the hospital first thing on Monday morning to have an ultra sound to check my fluid level.

The start to our journey

Our journey with Maggie started  in January of 2011. My husband Don and me wanted to start trying for our second baby.( Our son Hayden had just turned 2) We tried and tried and nothing happened. I went in March to a regular ob check up with Dr.M , and he told us nothing was wrong to keep trying. Well, by August nothing had happened. I was beyond sad, and frustrated. We switched OB's and went to see Dr.Y. Dr.Y did every test in the book and they all came back normal. She sent me home frustrated and said to keep trying. Well, a couple of weeks went by and finally I had enough. I called my mom and asked her to take Hayden for the night so I could have a night to myself to clear my mind. That night I made to stops before coming home to drown my sorrow.. 1. To the drug store for a pregnancy test 2. To the local taco joint to get a huge steak taco dinner. I came home and took the test. Negative... I screamed and cried then left the test on the counter for my husband to see when he got home from work. Next, I proceed to eat every bite of that HUGE steak dinner all by myself. With my stomach full, and my spirit crushed once again I told God I was done trying to have babies it was in his hands. I fell into a deep food coma at about 7:30pm. The next morning I woke up at 5 AM and padded down to the kitchen to get a drink of water. The pregnancy test was still on the counter. I was so angry I snatched it up and was about to throw it in the garbage when that ONE line had turned into 2. At this point I am whipping the sleep out of my eyes and reaching for my glasses like a wild animal. I could not believe it. I dig the box out of the garbage and read the back ( DO NOT READ RESULTS AFTER 10 MINUTES OR THEY CAN BE FALSE). I threw both the pregnancy test and the box in the garbage, tossed on my flip flops and ran to the drug store ( no bra on at all ). I got home and re took the test.. like a neon sign that sucker lite up PREGNANT. I raced up stair and woke Don up ( he was not pleased about the 5:30 waking). He was excited that we were pregnant!
The next morning I called Dr.Y and went in and it was confirmed WE WERE PREGNANT! The next three months were normal... if I was not hanging my head into my royal throne, then I was fast asleep , or being hormonally crazy.  Everything changed on December 9th 2011.