Today was a much better day.. still some crying, but for the most part good. ( I hope I did not just jinx myself it's only 5:30) I got out again today for a little while, then I came back home , and had to crash because I was in so much pain. Before I laid down, I just started sobbing... I miss her so much. All those little things she did when she was in my belly..I am so glad that I got to experience them, because now they are big things.. little pieces of her memories. I just got done cooking some homemade clean soup, and clean angel food cake with strawberries. I forgot how much I LOVE cooking/ baking.. it was so therapeutic to get lost in making a yummy healthy meal. Not to mention that my favorite view in the whole house is looking outside the window over my kitchen sink into my back yard. I can see my pond, and flower garden. I can't wait to get healed so I can go out and start a veggie garden, and put in a memorial flower garden for Maggie. Well, I am going to run so I can check on my stuff cooking...

So you think your having a bad day.. me 2!

Today, is not such a good day. I got up , and went to church.. babies everywhere!! It took me everything to sit in my seat, and not get up , and run. Sometimes I think God is so cruel... then I have to remind myself that there is a purpose for everything, and now I have to sit back n be patient to see it unfold. After church we stopped to get a bit to eat. We seen some people that we new.. some did not come up , and talk to us ( I was very revealed) some did. The faces people give you with the I'm so sorry look... then the how are you feeling. Some times I want to be so honest , and say.. how does it look like I'm doing? I have not really ate anything in almost 2 weeks, my body aches from heat to toe, and let not forget it feels like someone ripped my heart out! Also, to make everyone think I am doing just great I woke up this morning took a shower , and put my war paint on ( Make up ) ... let's not forget that I did my hair so I would not scare anyone. Instead I smile, and say I am doing Ok.
I am so tired of physically hurting.. I am so tired of missing her, and holding feeling so it appears that I am Ok. I should be feeding my baby, snuggling her, arguing with my husband who's turn it is to change a dirty diaper, I should be brushing her hair, giving her kisses. I stead I am heart broken!  I did nothing wrong.. I ate good, took my vitamins, went on walks .. then searched out the best doctors.. ate even better.. fought even harder, PRAYED with all of my being, and still in the end she is not here. Plus, even if we got crazy enough to try for another baby we have a 50% chance of this happening all over again. Why is trusting in God's plan so hard????

Got out of the house today, and went to Walmart.. made a lap around the store..big accomplishment a week after surgery!! It felt good to get out, and not have to do anything sad. A wonderful lady from our church brought us dinner last night. It was AMAZING.. I ate everything on my plate, and it stayed down. Another big accomplishment because I have just not wanted to eat. Thank you Julie so much!!! I just have to keep reminding my self to take on day at a time. I will never forget my dear Maggie, but I am hoping it gets easier as time goes on ( or maybe you just get more coping skills ?? )

We went this morning, and got balloons/ flowers to put on Maggie's grave. It looked beautiful when we were done. I miss her so much.... I am sure I will have many more days like this. It's so unreal that she is really gone, and will never come back. We have had a lot of great support during this, and we appreciate it. Now that it is coming to an end... we have people jumping on the grief train... I can not tell you the number of "friend" request that we have had...or the number of people saying that they will help, then never show up. It has showed us who the real people are that surrounds us. So, thank you from the bottom of our heart for being here and following through with what you say.

goodbye

Well, Maggie is resting, and is at peace. Everything that could of went wrong today did. The cemetery dug the wrong plot, and the flower place messed up her flowers. The only people that got it right, and did a wonderful job was Clancy Funeral home. IF ANYONE EVER NEEDS FLOWERS DO NOT USE THE OLD MAISON DE AMORE / THE NEW BA DA BOOM. The are horrible, and not only do the NOT do there job right, but the also insult you .. and do not make any attempt to fix the problem!!!


Rest in Peace my sweet, beautiful , amazing Maggie! I love you  xox

Getting Maggie's Stuff Ready

Getting Maggie's stuff ready this morning.. it tough.. Like a freak I have tried to smell her cloths that she had on to see if she had a smell....I could not smell anything.. Then I sat and put all of her things in a little white box to take to the funeral home... that all she has is a little white box. Then I held her pink blanket that she was wrapped in. She lived, she was a miracle.. she defied every odd they set in front of us for her. She touched people, and will get to save 3 or 4 people. I can't help it sometimes I still feel robbed. What I would give to have 5 more minutes with her , just to hold her.. tell her how much I love her.
Hayden walked up to me just now, and asked me why I was crying.. I told him I was sad because Maggie was not in my belly, that she was with Jesus. He then gave me his woody doll to hold, and said our scary/ sad begone chant. ( Whenever he is sad/ scared we have Don say a chant.. ala cazam.. ala cazo monster/ sadness be gone from Hayden's room ) Well, Hayden changed the words to ala cazam ala cazo Maggie please be with Jesus mommy be happy ka BOOM. It was so sweet , and I am so thankful/blessed that I have him. Anyways I better wrap this up so we can get on to our day.

TMI

Hey, good morning guys... before I get to writing this morning I do want to warn you guys.. this post is going to be very real about what my body is going through right now.So, if you can't handle semi-gross facts about after someone gives birth you might want to stop reading NOW.............................................................................


I had a mental break down last night.  I am in pain from my head to my toes. I am bound with bands from my chest to my thighs. My boobs are like hot, tender, rock solid, natural graphic mounds.I have not went #2 in days, and the gas pains are killing me. My arms, and legs ache , and I'm shaky ..... Let's not forget that I have been cut from almost hip bone to hip.. I am so sick , and tired of needing help up, or to make it to the bathroom, someone to still cook for me, someone to help clean... It has been like this since December, and I hate it.. all my pride as been tossed out the window. Not to mention the fact that the person doing almost all this caring for me is my husband. I can tell he is just as exhausted as I am, he is grieving for our sweet Maggie just as much as me, but now he has to take care of me like I am 3, plus a three year old who is transitioning being back home, and trying to understand the loss of a sibling. Now that I have gotten most of the complaining out .. I am thankful just to have all these aches , and pains because it means that I am still alive a privilege dined to many too soon. I did not feel like my recovery from Hayden's c section was this intense, but maybe it was because I spent so much time in the hospital, and I was more focused on getting him better. This all seems so cruel... I have to continue going through all this "normal" stuff even though I don't have my sweet Maggie here at home with me. I am glad, and at peace that she is not suffering.., but I miss her. At times I feel so robbed..........

This week is going to be hard.. I am still recovering , and we have to run lost of errands today to finish up her arrangements.... I just have to keep reminding my self that I have gotten 1/2 way done with this journey, and I CAN finish the last half..................

Up date

Good afternoon every one. I am still in the hospital,but will be going home today. Today, was an even better day, than yesterday. I miss Maggie a lot, but I am still at peace. So, please everyone stop saying that they are so sorry.. I am not sorry.. she effected so many people here on earth in a positive way during her short time here. Her life had great purpose. She taught me so many lessons, big and small. Don said something to me last night instead of it being miracles for Maggie... it was Maggie's miracles. We got to donate her whole heart. She will save at least three if not four lives. As a parent I have no regrets.. I carried her as long as I could, I loved her as much as I could love her, and I learned as much as I could from her. I am a better person because of her. So, thank you everyone for reading, praying, and being apart of our journey. I intend to still blog during me healing process... Also, look out everyone this mama is going to be fighting to get as much awareness about Maggie's disease out there.. I truly believe that is they can find ways for people to live with half a heart, we can also find a way for babies to survive with out any amnio fluid!!

I just wanted to pop on , and let everyone know that I am fine. Maggie was born at 8:07 , and passed away at 9:25. She was 6 lbs 10 oz , and 19 in long. The cause of her passing was due to her kidney's. She had both kidney's , but they both were filled with cysts. I am very sad, but at peace knowing she is with the lord, and will not have to suffer. Thank you all for your prayers, and kindness. P.s. LOOK AT ALL THAT HAIR!!

Last Day.....

Ok.. so today is the last day before .. the dreaded day...
What a busy day it has been.. Hayden went for preschool screening( my baby is not a baby anymore :( ) Then we went over to the hospital for a lab draw , and to talk to the anesthesiologist . Came home, and sat outside while the boys washed the car. I have seen so many beautiful butterflies today. I have just been soaking all the beauty in before the storm starts. I have been enjoying all of Maggie's kicks, ans squirms... It is so hard to believe that I a carrying her to her death. I wish I could run, but I can't. I know God will give me what I need to make it. Thank you all for the prayers, and support. Be patient with Blog updates .. as soon as we can it will be updated

A little Humor.. with a butterfly story!

So 3 days.. just 3 days.... My anxiety has been a little high today , and my emotions have been all over the board... With that being said I will tell you all the Butterfly story..

Yesterday my dad bought Hayden a butterfly net, and they went out looking to catch a butterfly. They did catch one.. Hayden was so excited he wanted to keep it. So, we got a mason jar , and poked holes in the top.. The butterfly was not doing so well in his new home, and around 5 pm we thought that he had died.. by 8 pm we were convinced. Hayden still wanted to take the butterfly home so we did. He sat on the counter in the jar all night. This morning when I woke up I looked at the butterfly , and he was now on his back with this legs in the air looking like rigger had set in. About 10 am I said to God .. Thank you for giving me this dead butterfly what a great way to explain death to Hayden. So, I called Hayden into the kitchen , and told him that the butterfly was dead, and how we knew this was because his heart stopped beating.. we could tell that his heart stopped because his wings no longer moved. So then I re explained what heaven is. Hayden thinks that Haven is where baby Jesus from Christmas time is at ... but he says baby Jesus is with his friend Kevin with an H hence Hevin... So, after re explaining with the butterfly he was really starting to get HEAVEN. You could see the light bulb had turned on .. he was saying that he needed to go with the other butterflies in heaven to be with their heaven family.. it was all going great.. We called daddy to get a shovel because we were going to go out to the Garden to put the butterfly into the ground, and says a prayer..... When all of a sudden that butterfly got about 10,000 watts of juice from GOD himself.. That darn thing came back to life .. and Hayden looked so confused.. worse than the time that we told him Maggie was not in my belly anymore, and had went to be with the angles. No matter how hard I try I just keep confusing my little boy about death.. I didn't know if I want to cry or laugh.. So, I laughed till I cried.. GOD HAS A SINCE of HUMOR... and now that I am getting so close to the end.. I can do nothing ,but find the comedic relief in all these someone tragic situations.. I hope you got a good chuckle out of this story.. I know I did.

Maggie's ultra sound book is now complete.. Hayden helped put the stickers on the front.

Family, and close friends: Since Maggie services will be private, and we understand that you will be grieving her as well.. if anyone wants to place a special gift with her in her casket we are willing to do that.. cards, or small tokens.. if you would like to do this please have the items to us by THIS WED.. so they can go with her to the funeral home.

Went to church this morning.. it felt great to get out of the house for a little while.... now I am very sleepy. Also, God can be VERY funny at times..the sermon today was on Abraham almost sacrificing his son. The youth Pastor gave the sermon  ( who does not have any children) ... any ways he just kept going on about how Abraham must have felt knowing that his son , had to die .. and him being the one to lead him there, but bc he loved the lord more than his son he was willing. I thought this was funny because I do know what it feels like to carry there child to their death.. I am living it right now. I do know what it is like to walk the path that God ask us to walk even in the hardest of times.. We could of terminated Maggie's life, but because the lord does not want us to sacrifice our children's lives we chose to leaving it all in his hands.. I love Maggie more than a lot of things, but not more than I love the lord.. so yes Pastor Kyle I do know 1st hand the walk that Abraham has walked.. and if I do say so myself my parent of the year award should be coming in the mail any time soon ( haha).

Anyways.. I took some time out when we got home to put together her outfit.. here it is! She has two bow's, and two head bands because every girl needs choices no matter where they are going......

Depression....

My head is spinning, I am tired of all the drama, I feel the depression slowly creeping in. I just want to curl up in a ball today , and cry. The worst part is no matter what decisions I have made through this whole journey someone has had to criticize what it is.. Please if anyone thinks that they can do better I will more than willingly had over this hell that I am living in..then you all can do it your way or see how it feels to be questioned, dramatized, and Deming... for the choices that are being made. I AM DOING THE best I can, sorry if my best is not good enough..............

Strong Enough by Matthew West

 I give up because I am not strong enough.. good thing God is there for me to fall back on because he is strong enough!

Update.. and information for when we are in the hospital

Hey guys.. I have not updated the blog in awhile,but I have been keeping Facebook updated. I have had some bp issues going on the past couple of days. I went the hospital this morning for it. They got my bp back to manageable numbers,  I was having some contractions, but not close enough together. With all that being said I was sent home unless something comes up again.

The c-section is set for 4-19 @ 7:30 in the morning at Riverside. The only people that will have access to us is Hayden, the photographer/ her assistant, and the pastor. Phone calls are welcome , but I can not guarantee  we will  be able to answer. There is going to be a group meeting @ 7:15 AM the morning of the surgery in Riversides Chapel. This is right out side the Labor and Delivery entrance. If you would like to meet to pray for me and Maggie, or just come up to the hospital to show support you can call Johanna Engler at 815-953-4984 she is coordinating everything with this. I will have someone updating the blog.. please be patient , and understand that this is a very private moment for me, and Don. We don't want to make anyone feel like they are not welcome.. I have been more than public with everything that we have been going threw,and we just feel like this needs to be private till we have processed this ourselves, before we can let family, friends, or readers experience this with us.

Maggie's funeral will also be private now, we are not even letting immediate family be present ( just me, Don, and possible Hayden). Again, please do not feel unappreciated or upset by this..we appreciate everything.. we just need some privacy. Maggie will have an online guest book with Clancy Gurnon funereal home if anyone would like to sign the book , and leave us a message we would love that. Also, we are asking that no flowers be given either for the birth or funereal, instead we are asking that gifts be made to help with medical bills, and research to the disease. I believe that this is a VERY treatable disease,but since it is rare not a lot of research is being done. I would love to find a cure, or at least a manageable fix, so no other family or baby has to go through this hell!

I hope you all understand, and I hope I have not offended anyone. We greatly appreciate ALL prayers, thoughts, and help that we have been given along this journey.

AHHH!

Imagine if you new, that your child had only 9 days left to live. Imagine not being able to see their face, hold them, or do anything memorable with them,but you could feel them. That is the hell that I am living... I mentally can not do this any longer,but I physically have no choice. I am a train wreak.
I am so tired of people viewing my situation like I am having a growth or something not so important removed from being a pain in my "ass" out of my body. I am having surgery to remove a very sick/ alive baby out of me. A LIVING person whom I LOVE, and have gotten very attached to... and that I don;t want to see my life without. I am angry, hurt, sad, vulnerable ... people that should be here for me are more worried about what is on their agenda. With that being said I do appreciate the help that I have been given, but at the same time I am so frustrated that I have to rely on my 75 year old grandparents , or friends that have their own stuff going on. I feel like a burden.
I have a 3 year old who I am not proud to admit has sprouted devil horns, and has the world worst behavior... I can not even take him to the park to enjoy time with him. I don't have a lot of friends, so he does not have a lot of friends.. I feel terrible about that. All we do is sit in the house , and watch tv or play his game thing. I guess if I was him I would be pissed , and act like a fool too. Well, not that I have ruined my stay positive goal.. I think I better dry the tears, and pull up my big girl panties..because no matter how much I bitch it is what it is....

Easter

Our Savior has risen! Happy Easter!
I am viewing Easter in a new light this year. With a lot more appreciation. My faith has been tried, and tested beyond belief in the last 4 months. As a parent I have a new found meaning for Easter. If you have ever lost a child or have been in a situation that is grave I hope you will understand where I am coming from. What a HARD, thing GOD did for us out of unconditional love. He sent his only CHILD to die for us. He son died a very painful, long, cruel death. It again sounds so simple, but if you have ever lost a child, or been close.. it is the worst feeling in the world. God is so amazing he could of stopped it, instead of watching...  he could have eased his pain..... he could have found another way to save us all because he is God. It just goes to show that God is not asking me to do something that he has not already done, nor will he leave my side as I go through this ,because he KNOWS the hurt, the pain, and the LOVE.  Thank you God for giving us your only son , so we may enter your kingdom. Happy Easter everyone. ( I am not trying to say my Maggie is divine like Christ, I am just viewing Easter from a parents perspective)

Belly casting day!

Going to be making a belly casting today. That is where you take plaster paris , and mold your pregnate belly. What a great keepsake it will be. I was  watching a video on how to do  the belly casting..  The song was in the back ground ...it says an angel is growing peacefully inside her.. it got me thinking how many people are lucky enough to be able to grow an angel for God.I hope that God will share her with us for awhile, but it is all him his hands

Got the second shot today at 1pm.. a little back pain afterwards.... It is getting so close to when Maggie will make her presents here in this world. I am scared shitless to be honest. If you sit , and think about the prayer the "Our Father" it seems so simple, but when you really take in the words .. what a hard prayer to take in. I think the hardest part for me to swallow is realizing  it is GODS will not mine in every walk of my life. The trust, and lack of control is there all the time if you think about. So, I don't know why I am having such a hard time with this. I will be telling Dr. M quite sternly before he operates on me that I am only 26 with a son to finish raising, and God's work still to be doing.. so he better do his damn best, pray before hand, and return me to family , so I can heal.
   With all that being said, I have found my self loving a lot deeper, noticing that spring this year is a lot greener, bird chirping at 5 am a lot less annoying ( JUST KIDDING THE BIRDS NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SLEEP IN) .. I am just appreciating the little things a lot more. Hug your babies tight , and thank the dear lord for blessing you with them. Please continue to pray for Maggie, and me. GOOD NIGHT guys!

Just got the results back in from the ultra sound... they could not get an afi level, but they are saying she is 4 1/2 pounds ... They are letting my come in today to do the  steroid shots!!!  I hate to get all excited, but I am grateful that they think the shots might give us more time with her. Please keep those prayers coming!!!

April is here !!

Good mornin' everyone.. and hello April! I can't believe April is here already.. it seem lets like it was just August, and we just found out that we were going to be expecting again. Well, now that April is here I thought I would make some goals to survive the dreaded month..
1. ENJOY what time I have let with Maggie by being POSITIVE

2. Keep eating clean
3. Survive the birth, and grief process ( without becoming the next doll lady )
I can do it, not by myself, but with God I can! ... I know I posted this pictures awhile ago,but I just love it so I am posting it again :P