Well, I had a break down today.... Freaking out about my job interview tomorrow! I am not ready to go back to work,but we need the money. I feel like I can not be everything that my family needs me to be. I can not work full time, keep a house full time, and take basically be a single mom because Don will work an opposite shift than me. I am still greatly mourning Maggie too. All of this is too much. I know my life my move on..but going back to work is a major life style change for me. VERY overwhelmed!!

A little ray of sunshine

I had a great day today. Woke up, made dinner for a family that just had a baby. Then we went on a walk, while Hayden rode his bike. Ran some errands, then brought a very special lady some flowers to cheer her up. ( There is nothing like cheering someone up who has been so good to you )  Hayden played with some friends this afternoon on his water slide.. then out to Yiayia's house for dinner. I had a butterfly follow me everywhere I went today. I love days like that.. it makes me feel like Maggie is with me in every moment of my day. I miss her less, and think about her more on days like today. I know that sentence probably made no sense to anyone ,but I almost can feel her presence when the butterfly follows me around. Think I'm crazy, but this is our (me, and Maggie's ) journey. I am starting to really believe that just because the soul leaves a body, does not mean that it can't still make it presence her on earth every now, and again. Days like today give me strength .. let me feel like it is possible to go on with out her. I am hoping that as time goes on I have more good than bad days. I know what set me off , and gave me a couple of bad days.. then those day's ran into Wednesday. Wednesday always seems like a long day.. I think it is because every Thursday we go see Maggie for our "date day". Maybe I should just change the day to Wednesday that we go , and see her..,but then I think Tuesday would turn into the long day..  Any who.. starting to see a light in this long dark tunnel.

Operation get a life......

Operation, get a life is starting today..... I am tired of being consumed with grief.. all I think about is not having my Maggie here. I am tired of being jealous of other people. I am tired of feeling alone.
 Step #1 I need to find a job . This could be a little difficult considering I would need to find part time days. I can only work from 8 am- 2pm , that way it works around Don , and him working afternoon's. I think if I have time away from the house it will give me a break, but keep my mind from wondering. Also,  extra money will help us be able to do extra things we can't do right now.
Step #2 Make some new friends. I need to find scan relate some people that can relate to where I am at , and where I need to get to. I hate that the only time my phone rings during the day is when medical bill collectors are calling to collect money on my dead baby girl. They started calling the week after we got home, and they have not stopped. Two or Three times a day they call! I am sorry , but we don't have any money to give you. After we pay our bills, put gas in the car, and buy a little food we are BROKE! After we went to the park yesterday I came home, and just stared at the walls. I took a shower about 7pm , and was in bed by 8. I am so depressed. The walls are starting to close in. I put everyone needs before my own , and that is not getting my anywhere ,but more depressed..
So, I have a meeting today at 10 am , then I am going to start looking for a job. If anyone knows of anywhere hiring please let me know.

Depression

Depressed today. I feel like I could go to sleep forever. I know all it is, is mind over matter, but to tell you the truth I am tired of being strong.. I am tired of thinking positive about it all. It all really sucks. All I want to do is snuggle , and care for my baby, but I can't. The hurt takes my breath away. I feel so alone in this struggle.

UGH!

Feeling terrible....I think I keep kidding myself that I am doing fine... I am not. I just had the world biggest break down as I was getting dressed. I HATE my body. I look nasty...and what I hate more than that is the fact that I do not even have my Maggie here to show for it. Some times I feel like everything I went through was for nothing. I am so tired of the mental anguish.. I am so tired of hurting... I am tired of my arms feeling empty. I am so tired of exploring different adoption options, only to find out that $ is the issue. It is SO unfair! I am so tired of feeling alone, and empty. THIS SUCKS! I hate that I am jealous of people with babies. I am not a jealous person... this is really bringing the nasty side of me out. I just paste a big ol smile on my face , and tell everyone I am just fine... I am not fine.. I am a big mess!!! WHY!!! I don't understand WHY!

What a long weekend!! I finally had my doctors appointment, and everything is looking good. They think what is going on with my kidney's is due from the pregnancy. They are going to keep an eye on the cyst. I go back in three months for another check up , ultra sound, and labs.

I made it through the baby shower on Sunday. I was so nervous, that I was going to be a basket case, and cry the whole time. I did not cry, but I was pretty sad felt really lost..... I know Maggie death is part of God's great plan.. I still could not stop asking my self why Maggie. Why do other babies live, but she couldn't. I did everything right,and we did not want her any less than they wanted their baby. I guess it just is what it is sometimes. Deep breath in.... deep breath out. Now, I just have to find a $ tree to get the adoption process going. Again, I know $ can't buy you happiness, but it is a great tool to get you to it.

NO fancy onesie stickers for us each month ..no snuggles  for us each night... no showers to celebrate your safe arrival .... ,but we brought you some balloons to help celebrate you flying, and guarding over us for one month. Hope your having a great day my sweet angel. I love you, Maggie. Missing you so much it hurts right now.

Kidney Update

Sure glad that I have a very special guardian angel up in heaven. I went in for a kidney ultra sound at 10 am. Dr called , and said that my kidney ultra sound has improved... swelling in my right kidney has went from moderate to mild. I still have a renal appointment on Monday. Thank you God , and my sweet angel Maggie.

Times like these remind me of the Alabama song - Angels among us ... There are angels among us , sent down to us from somewhere up above  , they come to you , and me in our darkest hours, to show us how to live, to teach us how to give, and guide with the light of love.

Mommy loves you my sweet angel Maggie xox

My Kidney's :(

Everyone I need MAJOR prayers... I found out that my ultra sound on my kidney's came back abnormal. I have a cyst on one , and both of them have hydronephersis going on. One kidney is mild, the other one is moderate. I am going for another kidney ultra sound today, then on Monday I do see a kidney DR. I am pretty scared.. so, I need prayer PLEASE. I will continue to update on my health status when we have more answers.

A little lost today......

AAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Nope, still don't feel better.... I am so angry, frustrated, and sad. We tried so hard for a baby. We got our sweet, beautiful daughter that was taken from us far too soon. No one will ever take her place in my heart. I feel so empty inside. Even if I wanted to get pregnant again we should not.. I have had one baby born with a heart disease, and I had another baby born with a kidney disease that took her life. We are looking into adoption.... they say money can't buy you happiness .. ,but the cost of an adoption is CRAZY! We will never be able to afford it.Reality is setting in that we will probably never hold another baby of our own in our arms. I feel so robbed. God can be so cruel at times. This whole thing is more than I can bare some days. I feel so alone. I keep pushing myself .. maybe if my house is spotless, meals are made, or if I am getting out in about my life will go back to some sort of normal. I think I am kidding my self the hurt is still there.. my arms still feel empty... it just dulls in a little. I feel like one big CRAZY mess. I pray, n pray, and still I don't understand.. I try to be positive, and patient...., but it is not working....

1 Month

Tomorrow will be one month with out you my sweet Maggie. One month with out feeling you move , or hearing your cry. We will never see what your eyes looked like open... we will never know your feeding schedule... We will never get to see you smile, or coo.  I will never get to style your hair, or change your clothes.You were taken from us far too soon. Do know this my sweet Maggie, I miss you, and love you with all of my heart.

Mothers Day Continued.......

Welp, just got back from the cemetery..I HATE the fact that I have to go visit my daughter there instead of having here her with me  in my arms! I just have to keep reminding my self that  earth is not my home, heaven is, and when I get their it will be so much sweeter because we can finally be together again.

Everyone say a big prayer for us. We put in an adoption application last night.. the agency has two spots open to work with families wanting to adopt. Please pray that they accept our application. We have so much love to give a baby. I know that no one will ever replace my Maggie,but we still have room to love another child.

Happy Mothers Day

I woke up today with an unsettling feeling... I have only been up for about an hour, but what an hour filled with tears. I am so blessed, and thankful to have my Hayden here with me, but no mothers day will ever be the same because my sweet princess will never be here with me. So, Happy Mothers day to all the mothers out there, no matter if your baby is in heaven , or here with you today.

I found this poem written by Amy on Still Standing Magazine .. This sums up what I have been feeling

As I stare into the heavenly skies,
I wonder if heaven can hear my cries.
I wonder if my child knows she is missed,
I wonder if she remembers the last time her sweet face I kissed.
I’m hoping she doesn’t need me as much as I need her,
Rainbows beyond this pain in my eyes are a messy blur.
I wonder if I will ever see beyond the pain
I wonder about this never ending rain…
My tears form a river that floods my broken soul
Trying to fill up the bottomless hole…
The hole where only she should be, praying for God’s grace to be upon me.
As I stare into the heavenly skies  I wonder if heaven can hear my cries.
I wonder about the what if’s and the why me’s
I wonder, Why in the world is this the way life should be?
I wonder about the “good” that all this could bring.
I wonder if in heaven she remembers the songs to here I would sing.
I wonder if she sees all the work I have done…
to keep her memory alive in the hearts of others.
I wonder if she sees the shattered hearts of her broken brothers,
I wonder if heaven is full of sparkle now?
I wonder if “one day” my heart will heal… I can’t imagine how.
I wonder if the streets of gold are filled with glitter of purples and pinks.
My new reality… Well it just really stinks!
I wonder if she sees my HOPE,
I wonder if she sees thats all I hold onto it order to cope…
The Hope to one day see her, hold her, and never let her go - the hope for HEAVEN.

Lunch with my princess

Last night was a little rough again... I ended up crying myself to sleep holding her pink blanket that held her while she was here on earth. By the time I feel asleep I just felt numb.. totally numb. My arms just feel so empty all the time... I want to be able to smell, hold, and love my sweet baby.

We ended up going out to the cemetery , and eating lunch with Maggie today. It was nice to be able to sit out there , and soak up the sun with her. Hayden was so cute.. I don't think he fully understands everything.. He left some chips on her grave for her. We all blew her a kiss, but he was very upset that he could not hug her. I have only had one other experience in my life where I have felt like my heart has physically broke. It took years for it feel some what mended back together. This is now the second time I have felt like this.... it hurts more than I remember ( it hurts to breathe) , but this time I don't think it will ever stop hurting... I think I will always have a dull ache..                                                                                                                                                    

Needing help with a brilliant idea!

We have had so many wonderful people be so generous to us on our journey with Maggie. I really want to start an organization called Maggie's Miracles where we can pay it forward back to people in our community. Other than this great idea I have no clue where to start. I just think it will give me great comfort doing good in here name, that way she continues to live on. Her first miracle was giving her heart to others, and I don't want it to be her last. So, I need some help with idea's or getting this started... please leave a comment or e- mail me at Haydensmom1008@yahoo.com if you know of anyone in our community that is need.

My afternoon has been pretty bad with Don going back to work. I have really missed Maggie, and I have been in a lot of pain. Have you ever felt like your heart was ripped in two? That is what I have been feeling like this afternoon. A big piece of my heart is here on earth, but the other half is in heaven with her. Thank God for giving me one half here to keep me grounded... I am so angry ! To be able to see both of my children this year on Mothers Day I have to go visit one in the cemetery, when I should be holding her, feeding her, kissing her, brushing her hair...... We have all the humanly answers to the Why's ,but it is still not good enough.... She was so beautiful, and innocent! I miss her moving inside of my belly. I want to scream, and kick like a four year old.. THIS IS SO UNFAIR!!!!

Hey guys.. thank you for being patient , and still checking the blog. My computer was down, and we just got it back. A lot has happened since I last posted... The days just keep flying by since we lost our dear Maggie. Not a day goes by that we do not miss her. Last week when we went to visit her, a beautiful pale yellow butterfly landed on her grave site, and sat there with us till we left. Every day, since we have lost her ( including the day) , rain or shine I have seen a butterfly.. sometimes only for a moment or one that seems to stick with me, and follow me around all day. Some days I cry just because I am handling her death so well. I feel guilty that I am not mourning her more. Then other days are terrible, where I miss her, and just want to so desperately hold her , and give her a kiss. Don goes back to work today, and I kinda have a sick feeling in my stomach because of it. I hope I am able to handle Hayden by my self, and keep up with everything. It's crazy feeling so strong, but so very weak at the same time. My best friend is leaving me ( I know just to go to work) , but when you get so connected to a person, and they have been your rock... I just hope I can function with out him around....but life must continue. I have still not herd anything back about the jobs that I applied to.. guess I will keep looking...
Just feeling a little lost, and overwhelmed today.

Laura Story - Blessings

Blessings

I woke up this morning, and looked out my kitchen window.. a beautiful butterfly was at the window to greet me. I sat down in my chair to eat lunch, and a butterfly was at my living room window to eat lunch with me.. I sat down outside to see the sun setting, and a butterfly was resting on the tree right next to me. I could be loosing my mind, but maybe its my Maggie letting me know she is with me during my healing journey.

A crazy day with 3 dr appointments!

What a crazy day!! Our first visitor was at 8:30.. my Papou ( Greek for grandpa) . He brought us soup and pineapple upside down cake. Next was my mom who hung out with us, and helped picked up the house. Thank you mom.. I applied for two part time job position with Riverside. I am hoping to get a call back. I am not really ready for my life to transition from stay at home mom/ homeschooling mama into a working mom, but life changes, and it must go on. I can not allow my self to sit a wallow if the grief of Maggie. I know I will still have bad days, but I think having something to do will also help the healing process.

Then Hayden had an appointment to get his kidney's scanned. We explained to him what was going to happen before he went so he would not freak out... he now thinks that kidney's are kitty's , and they are in your back. At least he has the location correct. All day long anyone that we have seen he has told them that he had his kitty's scanned, and they are in his back. LOL The ultra sound tech said they looked good. Nothing official ,but from previous experience if thing are wrong they will not tell you ANYTHING!! They just say we are not sure you will have to talk to your doctor. So, with that being said I am a little revealed. Then later this afternoon Don, and me had our Dr appointment. That was a little crazy considering we had to bring Hayden. Of course the nice sweet innocent boy that I know we have was no where to be found while we were there. ARhg! On, the plus side I have lost 14 lbs, and I only gained 10 during the pregnancy Go ME!! My BP was a little high again, but I am still in pain, and under a LARGE amount of stress. They did blood, and urine test for me , and Don. The urine came back fine, blood we will have to wait on the results. They are also sending us up north to Rush to speak with a Dr. Wong who is a genetic dr.

I am freaking out because we keep getting two different diagnosis with Maggie. When we went to Hinsdale hospital we were told Polycystic ( which is hereditary , and can have two form a dominate- meaning one of the parents or both will have the disease in their life time or recessive- meaning it was caused by genes crossing wrong) We went to UIC and was told Multicystic (which means it is caused from a gene , but the likely hood of it happening again is slim to none) . At birth when they scanned her kidneys they said Polycystic . Her autopsy report said Multicystic. So, with all this confusion we are all getting checked out. I am terrified to death that it could still be Polysctic... I do not want to see my husband, son, or me die of the same disease. I don't want to loose anyone else. I want to die peacefully in my sleep next to my husband when we are old. I want to be able to put this behind us ( never forget Maggie), and move on. Live the rest of our lives in Peace. Also, with Polycystic if we ever wanted to try again we would have a 50% chance of this happening again. Also, if Hayden wanted to have children he would have a chance of passing it along. We want answers ,but no why will ever be good enough for us to  understand why we had to loose her, out sweet angel. Now I feel like I am fighting to protect all that it left, with again no control over it.

Tomorrow will be a good day, Hayden goes for his last test for his Kitty's lol.. a hearing test, then we go to sign him up for preschool, and talk to Dr. Batish about all of Maggie's autopsy result.