UGH!

Feeling terrible....I think I keep kidding myself that I am doing fine... I am not. I just had the world biggest break down as I was getting dressed. I HATE my body. I look nasty...and what I hate more than that is the fact that I do not even have my Maggie here to show for it. Some times I feel like everything I went through was for nothing. I am so tired of the mental anguish.. I am so tired of hurting... I am tired of my arms feeling empty. I am so tired of exploring different adoption options, only to find out that $ is the issue. It is SO unfair! I am so tired of feeling alone, and empty. THIS SUCKS! I hate that I am jealous of people with babies. I am not a jealous person... this is really bringing the nasty side of me out. I just paste a big ol smile on my face , and tell everyone I am just fine... I am not fine.. I am a big mess!!! WHY!!! I don't understand WHY!