- Liz
- Welcome! My name is Elizabeth and I'm a home schooling' mama to one little Monkey. We are currently using My Father's World first grade and these are our adventures!
Thursday, May 17, 2012
A little lost today......
AAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Nope, still don't feel better.... I am so angry, frustrated, and sad. We tried so hard for a baby. We got our sweet, beautiful daughter that was taken from us far too soon. No one will ever take her place in my heart. I feel so empty inside. Even if I wanted to get pregnant again we should not.. I have had one baby born with a heart disease, and I had another baby born with a kidney disease that took her life. We are looking into adoption.... they say money can't buy you happiness .. ,but the cost of an adoption is CRAZY! We will never be able to afford it.Reality is setting in that we will probably never hold another baby of our own in our arms. I feel so robbed. God can be so cruel at times. This whole thing is more than I can bare some days. I feel so alone. I keep pushing myself .. maybe if my house is spotless, meals are made, or if I am getting out in about my life will go back to some sort of normal. I think I am kidding my self the hurt is still there.. my arms still feel empty... it just dulls in a little. I feel like one big CRAZY mess. I pray, n pray, and still I don't understand.. I try to be positive, and patient...., but it is not working....
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Liz,
ReplyDeleteI read your last post and my heart breaks for you. When we lost our baby, someone told me that it gets worse before it gets better. I didn't want to hear that but I think it is true. And I think that you are possibly in that "worse" stage. From this side of heaven it does seem so unfair and cruel to give you a baby and then take her away so quickly. God doesn't necessarily give us the answers or explanation that we long for. As I slowly began to heal after our loss, I learned that when I couldn't understand His hand,(what He allowed to happen)to trust His heart. Claim all the promises in the Bible. There is one scripture that always helps me when I can't make any sense out of things that happen. It is in Isaiah 55: 8 & 9. It says: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." It comes down to sheer trust and faith in God regardless of the circumstances we find ourselves in. This is a very difficult thing when your heart is full of raw pain and sadness. It took me a long time to be ready to trust Him with all my heart again but I did and I pray you will also as you begin to heal. Consider how long eternity is compared to life here on earth and how your time with Maggie in heaven will never end. I guess God has asked families like yours and mine to wait for the joy of being with our precious babies until heaven. Each new day we live, we are 1 day closer! I will continue to lift you up in prayer frequently. Barb