Paying it forward...best feeling in the world!

I herd about a family who lost their baby at 8 months old today. They are doing a benefit for the family on 6/30/12 to help raise money for a urn, and to cover the cost of the funeral. After hearing about this I thought it was a great opportunity to pay it forward. I contacted the funeral home, and told them that our family would pay for the urn for the baby. We are paying it forward in honor of Maggie, and ALL the people that helped us out along her journey. It brings tears to my eyes to be able to not only honor my daughter,but this baby as well. I cried in the shower today thinking of this family, and the mother of the baby. I sobbed so hard because I know first hand the battles of what she is going through,but one battle that I did not have to worry about for long was the expenses of Maggie funeral, and burial arrangements. I am so glad that we can take some of Maggie's money to ease this families pain.
I have been thinking about Maggie an awful lot today. Some tears have come.but for the most part it has been peaceful thoughts. I thank her for the lessons she has taught me, and I am so grateful to have spent the time carrying her.

You have not lived until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.- UNKOWN

My Maggie lived.... I will never be able to repay her for what she gave me.. now I can only take the lessons, and apply them to my life :)

Happy 2 months flying my sweet Maggie!

Yesterday Maggie turned two months old! I did not even think about it till today... Also, if I do not go to the cemetery tomorrow it will be two weeks in a row that I have missed my Thursday date... I have mixed emotions about all of this. Am I forgetting about her? It makes me sad that it now all just dawned on me, but does that mean I have been happy or distracted/ busy?? I don't know?? So, confused! I guess on the other hand it is good that I am not just "living" for Thursday to roll along. I am sobbing as I type this, I feel like such a bad mother...,but life must go on, and I MUST learn how to live in a world that she is not physically in.  So, with a heavy heart ..Happy 2 months flying my sweet Maggie!

CASH BASH in the works!!!

Ok, the decision has been made.. We will be doing a Cash Bash next fall in Maggie's Memory.. All the proceeds will go to Dr. Brophy at The University of Iowa's Children's Hospital where he is working on a fix to Potter Syndrome. Potter's happens when there are no kidney present or they are not working to produce amniotic fluid .. the amniotic fluid is what develops the lungs. I have read that he is on the brink of something very big in his discoveries! This brings tears to my eyes.. if no other baby has to have the fate as my sweet Maggie, and no other family has to do through the pain.. than his work is truly a miracle from God. So, if anyone has any connections, or has planned a cash bash event I would love to hear of some great tips/ leads!!

The good, bad, and guilty feelings

Ok.. I am a little lost as of where to begin.. So, I guess I will start with the positive... With a a little bit of fear/ anxiety.. I am going to be starting beauty school in August.. I hope I can handle going back to school,  I hope I will succeed, I hope I don't mess it up.. I am also excited to meet new people, start a new chapter, gain some self confidence, and start a career that will bring joy to my life!!
Ok, the negative.. through a support group for potter's babies, I learned about a little boy that had bi-lateral multicystic kidney. His family choose to vent the baby. He survived birth and now I believe is 3 or 4 days old. They are getting ready to take out his vent, and do surgery next week to remove his kidney's. They have a long road ahead of them.. While I am so grateful that this baby lived, I am feeling so guilty. What if we would have vented Maggie, instead of letting her pass peacefully... would she still be here. After laying on that operating table, and hearing her cry, and seeing her struggle to breath... I so desperately wanted to grab the doctor, and say TUBE HER... fly her to Chicago.. PLEASE SAVE my baby girl!! The decision was already made, and could not of been reversed because I was under anesthetist... I feel like I  gave up on Maggie, knowing that the other little boy is still living. UGH!!!

:)

Have had a good couple of days.. I went to church on Sunday, then out for a shopping/ lunch date with my husband. Then I came home to fix a big dinner all from scratch. Today has been good too.. I went to counseling, visited my grandma, and did some more cooking. Ahh, I think a bubble bath with a glass of wine is in order to end a couple of really great days.
      I feel like I need to pick a path for myself in life. I feel like I need to find something to do to bring myself joy. I would LOVE to get my cupcake biz rolling again... the only thing that stands in my way of course is $. I need to get into a licensed kitchen, so I can sell my cupcakes with out fear. I need to make some personal goal, and pray over them.. I have also thought about going to hair school, or going back to school to be a teacher. I just need to find direction... Have any of you ever done something major in your life, and when it is over you think what now?? Maybe a child going to college...maybe you just retired.. finished a year long project.. That is how I feel. We worked so hard to Maggie, spent so much time preparing for her, her arrival, her death, and now I just feel like I am standing at the start of a forest preserve.. with several different paths to choose, and my mind just spinning with my heart empty. Life decisions ; /

Well, I had a counseling appointment today, then I went, and visited Maggie. What an emotionally draining morning.. I sat in the cemetery, and just balled today. I am gald that I have somewhere to visit her at here on earth I really am, but it should not be like this. I would give just about ANYTHING to be able to hold her again. You all can't imagine the hurt that come with losing her. ( I am in a mood right now too.. a mood that no matter what anyone has to say I will not feel comforted by it. ) When you get down to it I am still so mad at GOD. I could go on, and on, and say really hurtful things about women that have babies that do not want them, or are not ready to raise them.. it will not help.. It will not bring my Maggie back to me. I am becoming bitter, jealous, and nasty in spirit. I just want to scream.. throw a fit, lay down on the floor sob, and never get up.. I don't get the luxury of doing that. I have Hayden to think about.. my sweet boy who needs me :) This is just so unfair.. I just want my baby girl too.

My sweet baby

INDY VACA!

We just got back from Indy.. what a great two days. We went to the Children's Museum , and to the zoo. Did I say what a great two days!! No crying, no feeling down, no empty arms, no feeling like I was missing something. Did I think of Maggie.. yes. Did I wish she could of been enjoying this with us yes. It was a peaceful thinking of her, not full of raw hurt, and anger. I am making progress.. one step forward..1/2 steps back?? Baby steps, but progress. I will try, and get some pictures posted from our trip in the next couple of days. Please keep up the prayers.. If I have learned anything I need to heal in my own time frame, not on anyone schedule, but my own.
   I went on a job interview today.. I had to turn it down.. the job seemed way to stressful, and too many hours. It was almost liberating in a way to turn it down.. to speak up, and truthfully say.. I'm just not ready for that much yet. I was proud of myself. Proud of standing up for what I need right now. Another valuable lesson that this has taught me , is that no amount of money, no matter how much you THINK you need it is worth compromising your mental, physical being, or your families well being. So, what if we shop at Aldi, go on vacation once every three years... so what if my child does not wear name brand clothing, or get to have ice cream from the ice cream truck when it goes by..... so what if I don't go get my nails done, or my hair professional cut/ colored. I would much rather be happy with my simple life, and know that I am giving my son LOVE, not material objects.. He will be able to look back , and have memories of me not objects that I bought him. These are years I will never get back. Now is the time to heal, and treasure the little things, because when you look back in time it's the little things that become the BIG things. Those little things that I remember with my Maggie, are the things that bring my soul comfort..they are the things that remind me she was here! Her soul picked  me! Man, was I lucky or what!

The hurt.. will it ever heal?

So, it is Sunday again... No, I did not go to church again today. A part of me feels really guilty.. How can I not want to praise God when he has given me so much.. then another part of me is so ANGRY! I am so mad at him!! Why! Why ... did he need my baby girl more than I did? Why does he get to see her grow before I do? Why did I have to carry the burden of all this pain? Why?!
    For all of you gasping because I am not going to church, or that are worried about my soul.. I will be ok! Again, I am not saying that I will never go, back ( it is going to take some time).... Just because I do not go to his house, and put on a false face, does not mean that I do not believe, because I do... It does not mean that I do not read my bible, I do. I just can't praise his name fully right now.. we have some things to work out me, and God. Until you are certain you can walk a mile in my shoes, be careful entertaining the thought of trying them on.
   I thought this was suppose to get easier the longer that I go on... it is still hard to breath. I still feel like a major limb is missing. What do you do... when the one thing you want so desperately you will never be able to have in this life... no river of tears will bring it to you... no fight.. no amount of money... What do you do when your heart hurts so bad??

On over load HELP!

It been awhile since I have posted. To be honest I have been more than a mess. I have been working with a temp agencies, and trying to go back to work. I had my first assignment yesterday. I answered phones for 9 hours at a trucking company. The guys were very nice that I worked with. I AM JUST NOT READY YET. I have been more than a little out of it today. My stomach has been hurting, and I have been achy. I am just so stressed out because of it all. I have been at home now for almost four years... this is a big life style change, on top of losing Maggie. I have tired to express to Don that I just can not handle this right now. I don't know if people in  general think I am playing,or "milking" this situation up, but I am not. I know I need to learn how to cope, but holy moly it has only been 6 weeks. Some days I don't know if I am up, down, or in between. I LOVE being at home. News flash being at home with a 3 year old is stressful enough, with out adding anything else to the pot.
             We leave for Indy on Monday. I am excited/ nervous about that. I have really bad travel anxiety. Plus, when we get back I have another interview to work for a HR company to be the assistant to the director. Secretly ( well not so much now ), I am DREADING it. I want to stay at home. I am happy there. I don't want it to change. I think I would like at least till fall before I go back, then maybe part time. I just feel very overwhelmed!! I am lost... It makes me so mad too when people think that I just need to take a depression pill to cope.. how is that coping?? Taking a pill to alter you chemicals in your brain is not coping.. that is like taking a street drug, or drinking yourself to death, and calling it
"coping".  I am just one person.. I just need time... I need to heal before I try, and move on.. How can you try to write a new chapter when the one before it has not ended???