The hurt.. will it ever heal?

So, it is Sunday again... No, I did not go to church again today. A part of me feels really guilty.. How can I not want to praise God when he has given me so much.. then another part of me is so ANGRY! I am so mad at him!! Why! Why ... did he need my baby girl more than I did? Why does he get to see her grow before I do? Why did I have to carry the burden of all this pain? Why?!
    For all of you gasping because I am not going to church, or that are worried about my soul.. I will be ok! Again, I am not saying that I will never go, back ( it is going to take some time).... Just because I do not go to his house, and put on a false face, does not mean that I do not believe, because I do... It does not mean that I do not read my bible, I do. I just can't praise his name fully right now.. we have some things to work out me, and God. Until you are certain you can walk a mile in my shoes, be careful entertaining the thought of trying them on.
   I thought this was suppose to get easier the longer that I go on... it is still hard to breath. I still feel like a major limb is missing. What do you do... when the one thing you want so desperately you will never be able to have in this life... no river of tears will bring it to you... no fight.. no amount of money... What do you do when your heart hurts so bad??