Ok.. I am a little lost as of where to begin.. So, I guess I will start with the positive... With a a little bit of fear/ anxiety.. I am going to be starting beauty school in August.. I hope I can handle going back to school, I hope I will succeed, I hope I don't mess it up.. I am also excited to meet new people, start a new chapter, gain some self confidence, and start a career that will bring joy to my life!!
Ok, the negative.. through a support group for potter's babies, I learned about a little boy that had bi-lateral multicystic kidney. His family choose to vent the baby. He survived birth and now I believe is 3 or 4 days old. They are getting ready to take out his vent, and do surgery next week to remove his kidney's. They have a long road ahead of them.. While I am so grateful that this baby lived, I am feeling so guilty. What if we would have vented Maggie, instead of letting her pass peacefully... would she still be here. After laying on that operating table, and hearing her cry, and seeing her struggle to breath... I so desperately wanted to grab the doctor, and say TUBE HER... fly her to Chicago.. PLEASE SAVE my baby girl!! The decision was already made, and could not of been reversed because I was under anesthetist... I feel like I gave up on Maggie, knowing that the other little boy is still living. UGH!!!
- Liz
- Welcome! My name is Elizabeth and I'm a home schooling' mama to one little Monkey. We are currently using My Father's World first grade and these are our adventures!
What you are thinking is the normal progression of grief. When headed down the "what if" path always go back to "God is in control." I know you are still working through your emotions with God too, that is normal. Your pain is still very fresh. I'm still praying for you.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't give up on Maggie. You made the choice you believed was best for her and God allowed the outcome to be what it was. He is sovereign. You are not. You did the very best you could do for her and you love her no less than those parents love their little boy. I pray that the Lord gives you peace about your decision. You did nothing wrong and made no mistakes. All you did was love your baby. Please, ask the Lord to give you peace about your decision to not vent her. Regret and what if's can destroy a person. I know. I've lived with lots of regrets in my life, but wonderful Christian friends have taught me that when you make a decision in faith, trusting the Lord, and believing it's the right thing to do, than you can't beat yourself up over it later despite the outcome. You made the decision you made in faith and in love. There's absolutely no condemnation in that. Praying for you...
ReplyDeleteChristine