My sister-in-law and niece created this for me! It is sooo stinking cute, and made me cry. THANK YOU

Ultra sound UPDATE

Just got back from an ultra sound of Maggie.. She has changed position , and is no longer breech.. HER HEAD IS DOWN.. We seen a completely different profile, and got to count ten toes.. and she has my nose! She looks perfect in every single way other than the lack of fluid still. Heart Beat was 155. Keep all those prayers coming!

Update

Just got back in from the doctors... My BP is good, proteins in the pee came back none, weight is staying the same. We went ahead and scheduled the c-section for April 19. All is well for right now I will have another appointment in two weeks.

Photo Shoot

We had the great pleasure to work with  Lauren Mingus with Rockwell Photography . She is the most kind patient, respectful, compassionate photographer that we have ever worked with. The whole time  we where shooting with her she made me feel like a size 2 run way model ( great feeling at 33 wks HUGE ). Take some time and look at her web site, and if you are needing pictures done for ANYTHING book her ASAP. You will not regret a minute of it ( coming from the person who by the way HATES to have pictures taken )
www.rockwellphoto.com or you can look her up on  Face Book under Rockwell Photography. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.. These memories mean the world to me :)

God has another Angel .. Baby R

A dear friend that I met threw Maggie's Journey had her baby the other night. Her baby went to heaven about 30 min after arrival. She is asking that no one be sorry for them..., and even though I am sure she is hurting SHE is at peace. I just want everyone to say a pray for her, the baby, and her family... That they continue to have have the peace , and grace that GOD is giving them. I can only pray that GOD with be as merciful with me to give me what I need when Maggie's time is done here. Even though we never met baby R I hope you are waiting for Maggie to guide her when I can't. Rest in Peace you dear baby who was to perfect for this world.

Just got back in from the doctors... My BP was 125/60 ( WOOHOO) . They did a full panel lab draw, and sent me home with a 24 hr urine test. My next appointment is next Thursday with DR. I am hoping to pin him down for a date for the c-section. I am still on modified bed rest (BOO). I have lost some weight from eating clean, and have only gained 5lbs my whole pregnancy now!! Keep those prayers coming for me, and Maggie..It is not over till the good lord says so! :) 

 

THE JOURNEY WITH MY MAGGIE IS ALL I WILL HAVE......

Maggie's heart beat

One big crying sobbing mess today....

OK, I am just full of water works today.. to the point that it is pissing me off. Yesterday, is what started it all... I was sitting in Menards Parking lot waiting for Don to get out of the store , and a family with a new born baby parked right next to me. The baby girl was so tiny ( still that I am so new I am just want to stay squished up new ) , and adorable.. I was fine till she started to cry. Then I started balling, and could not stop. I felt like such a freak of nature. Am I seriously going to cry EVERY time I see a baby? Am I going to be so angry because those parents get a healthy child? I don't want to be the crazy lady that cries every time I seen a baby ( or the next doll lady to try , and fill the void). Last night I was in so much pain as she was moving around so lively in my stomach. Yet again I was hurt , and angry! She is so alive now, and so close ,but at the same time we are worlds away from each other. I feel like a four year old throwing a fit about how unfair this is , and how I want my way. I know I am not going to get my way, and it sucks. Today, I am crying because I am thinking about all the moments that I will not have with her. I started pinning really cute baby clothing , not as a joyous occasion of all the cute things I can dress my daughter in , but what I am going to bury her in. I have held off trying to find an outfit for her, because that is what makes it so finalizing for me. It's weird that I could pick out her grave site, flowers, and the rest of her arrangements.. but I am having a hard time with what to dress her in!!! I don't want to say goodbye...... I wish she could stay in my belly till we could find a cure. With every day that goes bye it is one day closer to the worst experience of my life. How do you say goodbye to something that has taken such a big chunk out of your heart, but yet you have no clue even what they look like. I know we are so blessed, and we have more than most people will ever get.... I try to stay positive, but this is more than I can humanly bear..... I wonder if I will be once of those empty shell people when this is all said , and done. Time to dry the water works , and get back to realty my little man is waking up, and I don't feel like answering once again why mommy is so sad today.

Update

Went to the Dr. yesterday... My BP was 140/70 . The plan is to continue bed rest , and the pregnancy till my body can no longer tolerate the pregnancy. I will be going in every week , and every other week doing a full lab panel, and 24 urine test. The goal is to get to 36 weeks, but the doctor does not think that I will make it that long. He was very surprised to know how active Maggie is . My next appointment is on 3/21.

Emotionally I am not doing so well. I am so afraid that I am going to die during the c-section. I am also afraid of the outcome. I keep replaying the scene in my mind of me laying on the operating table knowing that as soon as they cut her cord she will not survive. I have gotten so attached to her over the last months, and I don't want to say goodbye. I am not ready yet. I am not prepared to grieve like I am. I don't want to listen to other people having babies, or walk out of the hospital without mine. From the moment that we are little girls, we think about having babies.. healthy ones. Society drills into our heads a perception that every pregnancy turns out great. It is a  time full of joy, you walk out of the hospital with this beautiful bundle, and go on to live your life as a family. NO one ever speaks of the cruel, hurtful, not so glorious end of pregnancy... Miscarriages, still born, and infant death.. most people think it will jinx them, or if they have not experienced it them selves .. How could you possible get that attached to a pregnancy.. You should still not be grieving 6 months down the road, for heavens sakes it not like you knew the baby. Before I left St.Mary's the other day with BP issues , they handed me a couple of pamphlets on infant death.. I took a look at them as was appalled, who wants a damn pamphlet on how to handle this, and what they want to do. How impersonable. Here is your pamphlet now deal with it. WOW!!! All my answers are going to be in this 5 pg brochure.. When as a society do we stop thinking that a pamphlet will get the job done. When did we become so disconnected. Good thing after reviewing the propaganda , I had complete several steps such as funeral arrangement, and what not. I wish the person making up/ ordering the books would think about someone true reaction to them.....
 Some one sent me a web site yesterday..... www.angelhope.org. This is a story similar to Maggie's . This lady had low/ no fluid because of kidney issues. It was like looking at a train wreck. I will warn you that if you go to look at this site there are pictures of the dead baby. They are tasteful, and not grotesque. I kept thinking to my self this poor women, but once I seen the pic of the baby I just started to ball .( This poor lady, you dumb poop.. this is your fate.. this is what you will see , and have to endure) I just prayed while shacking , and sobbing so hard for God to give me the strength , and grace that I need to make it threw all of this.

Well, enough of my bantering today. I hope you all enjoy this beautiful weather today, and remember to THANK GOD for not only the good, but the bad today.

Just got home from the hospital

Hey guys, I just wanted to update you all on what went on today. I have been having headaches all day long, and some blurred vision. I called the Dr's , and got the result in of the test.. Turns out I am preeclamptic. So, with that being said I called the Dr back , and let them know that the headaches started again, and the blurred vision. They sent me to the hospital to be monitored, and I just got home. My BP was all over the place.. they did 3 lab draws... My cholesterol is a little high. I am to go back if the headaches, and blurred vision get worse. I will know more about the delivery game plan next Wednesday.. I have a feeling if my bp is still up or I have more problems Maggie will be here a lot soon than we expected. Please pray that God will keep me safe, and here on this earth to finish raising my beautiful baby boy.

Bp, is still high.. I am to remain on chair rest .. I go back to see the dr on the 14th .. We will schedule c-section then. :(

Good morning everyone, I wanted to stop in , and update everyone on what has been happening.... I have been doing a lot of resting, and taking it easy in order to get my BP down. I go back to the Dr. today, and I have more than my fair share of anxiety this morning. I am trying deep breathing , and calming music. I will get to find out the results of the ultra sound, get my blood drawn, and I am thinking set up a date for the c-section. ( I will update more when I get home ) To be honest all of my anxiety is to do the c-section. I know Maggie , must come out of me at some point, but I am just so scared. I am scared to be operated on.. I am scared of the reality that is to follow the operation. I don't want to loose her, but it is just going to happen. I am so scared , and afraid. I keep praying for God to take all of the anxiety from me , and to give me the strength  that I need to make it threw all of this. One day at a time.... Well, I am tired of babbling on about me.. If you would all take a minute , and not only pray for me & Maggie ,but a couple of friends of mine.. One has just started caner treatment, and the other one is going threw a personal situation at work. Just pray that God gives them what they need. * It is funny how my prayers are no longer geared toward my perception of making things all better... As, much as it hurts I am finally realizing that we live on earth , not in heaven , and things will not be perfect here. God only promised to give us what we need ( not what we want ) *

OK, just got back from the Dr. My BP is high.. I have to do a 24hr pee collection .. and I am on chair rest... We go this afternoon for a ultra sound.. My next Dr. appointment is Tues , and I will know more. Let just pray that the BP goes down. I need a bubble bath in a giant tub , and a message ( maybe that will help lower the BP& stress )

Hey , guys going to see Dr. Metha today. Will have some more news when I get home this afternoon.... Will keep you update. Maggie is still here, and other than me being in A LOT OF PAIN we are doing ok. :)