Update

Went to the Dr. yesterday... My BP was 140/70 . The plan is to continue bed rest , and the pregnancy till my body can no longer tolerate the pregnancy. I will be going in every week , and every other week doing a full lab panel, and 24 urine test. The goal is to get to 36 weeks, but the doctor does not think that I will make it that long. He was very surprised to know how active Maggie is . My next appointment is on 3/21.

Emotionally I am not doing so well. I am so afraid that I am going to die during the c-section. I am also afraid of the outcome. I keep replaying the scene in my mind of me laying on the operating table knowing that as soon as they cut her cord she will not survive. I have gotten so attached to her over the last months, and I don't want to say goodbye. I am not ready yet. I am not prepared to grieve like I am. I don't want to listen to other people having babies, or walk out of the hospital without mine. From the moment that we are little girls, we think about having babies.. healthy ones. Society drills into our heads a perception that every pregnancy turns out great. It is a  time full of joy, you walk out of the hospital with this beautiful bundle, and go on to live your life as a family. NO one ever speaks of the cruel, hurtful, not so glorious end of pregnancy... Miscarriages, still born, and infant death.. most people think it will jinx them, or if they have not experienced it them selves .. How could you possible get that attached to a pregnancy.. You should still not be grieving 6 months down the road, for heavens sakes it not like you knew the baby. Before I left St.Mary's the other day with BP issues , they handed me a couple of pamphlets on infant death.. I took a look at them as was appalled, who wants a damn pamphlet on how to handle this, and what they want to do. How impersonable. Here is your pamphlet now deal with it. WOW!!! All my answers are going to be in this 5 pg brochure.. When as a society do we stop thinking that a pamphlet will get the job done. When did we become so disconnected. Good thing after reviewing the propaganda , I had complete several steps such as funeral arrangement, and what not. I wish the person making up/ ordering the books would think about someone true reaction to them.....
 Some one sent me a web site yesterday..... www.angelhope.org. This is a story similar to Maggie's . This lady had low/ no fluid because of kidney issues. It was like looking at a train wreck. I will warn you that if you go to look at this site there are pictures of the dead baby. They are tasteful, and not grotesque. I kept thinking to my self this poor women, but once I seen the pic of the baby I just started to ball .( This poor lady, you dumb poop.. this is your fate.. this is what you will see , and have to endure) I just prayed while shacking , and sobbing so hard for God to give me the strength , and grace that I need to make it threw all of this.

Well, enough of my bantering today. I hope you all enjoy this beautiful weather today, and remember to THANK GOD for not only the good, but the bad today.