One big crying sobbing mess today....

OK, I am just full of water works today.. to the point that it is pissing me off. Yesterday, is what started it all... I was sitting in Menards Parking lot waiting for Don to get out of the store , and a family with a new born baby parked right next to me. The baby girl was so tiny ( still that I am so new I am just want to stay squished up new ) , and adorable.. I was fine till she started to cry. Then I started balling, and could not stop. I felt like such a freak of nature. Am I seriously going to cry EVERY time I see a baby? Am I going to be so angry because those parents get a healthy child? I don't want to be the crazy lady that cries every time I seen a baby ( or the next doll lady to try , and fill the void). Last night I was in so much pain as she was moving around so lively in my stomach. Yet again I was hurt , and angry! She is so alive now, and so close ,but at the same time we are worlds away from each other. I feel like a four year old throwing a fit about how unfair this is , and how I want my way. I know I am not going to get my way, and it sucks. Today, I am crying because I am thinking about all the moments that I will not have with her. I started pinning really cute baby clothing , not as a joyous occasion of all the cute things I can dress my daughter in , but what I am going to bury her in. I have held off trying to find an outfit for her, because that is what makes it so finalizing for me. It's weird that I could pick out her grave site, flowers, and the rest of her arrangements.. but I am having a hard time with what to dress her in!!! I don't want to say goodbye...... I wish she could stay in my belly till we could find a cure. With every day that goes bye it is one day closer to the worst experience of my life. How do you say goodbye to something that has taken such a big chunk out of your heart, but yet you have no clue even what they look like. I know we are so blessed, and we have more than most people will ever get.... I try to stay positive, but this is more than I can humanly bear..... I wonder if I will be once of those empty shell people when this is all said , and done. Time to dry the water works , and get back to realty my little man is waking up, and I don't feel like answering once again why mommy is so sad today.