WOW! 28 weeks tomorrow... before I know it Maggie will be here. I went today for another ultrasound. Maggie is still growing she is measuring almost 28 weeks ( right on track) . Her heart rate was 146 BPM. The cysts on her kidney's are getting larger as she grows. ( I will try to post a pic of her abdominal cavity tomorrow).

I have decided to switch back to my OB that delivered Hayden. He has operated on me once, and is very decisive in the decisions that he makes. I think it will take a lot of anxiety off of me to know I trust someone who is operating on me.

My next appointments are Tues at 10 at the pregnancy center, and Thur at 10 with Dr. Mehta. I will blog after we have more news. If you don't hear anything please don't get nervous. If something is to happen I will make sure the blog is updated by SOMEONE. Thanks for all of your prayer we appreciate everyone of them :)

Good morning everyone!!! Sorry, I did not write yesterday. I home from Maggie's appointment , and there was roses, sparkling grape juice, new shoes, card, and a balloon. That was followed my a romantic candle lit dinner cooked by my husband. I am one lucky/loved women! Needless to say my evening was filled with romance , and cuddling my two favorite boys :)

Maggie's appointment went great! She is almost 27 weeks , and that is what she is measuring. Hard to believe I am now in the 3rd trimester! The more she grows the more her personality comes out. She is a big fan of Kelly Clarkson LOL. While doing the ultra sound yesterday my friend asked if she could call her Mag's , I said sure... then Maggie started not only to kick me, but punch as well. I guess she did not like that nickname. She is such a little fighter. The more she grows ,the more she is stealing bigger pieces of my heart. I knew this was not going to be an easy journey when we chose to continue her life. I know her life is not over till God says its over. As  mother it is so hard to see my child alive , and moving right now. I know with every day that she is alive it brings us one day closer to her death. It is so hard to be this close, but yet so far away. She is inside me living, but yet there is nothing I can do to help her. It is sad to watch your child die no matter what age they are, but to have them in your body brings the hurt to a hole different level.

On this Valentines day LOVE. Do not wait for tomorrow or even this evening pick up the phone, txt, email. All we are guaranteed is this moment nothing else. XOXOX

Maggie the fighter

So, Maggie has been in the boxing ring with Mike Tyson today (or at least she thinks she is). She was kicking, and moving so much this morning I was sick. After lunch we took a nap , and she settled down a little. She is still moving up a storm this evening ,but in more of a peaceful manor. This little lady has got a lot of fight in her, and she is going to need all of it :) Monday I go to the pregnancy center for another look at Maggie :) I will post more Monday afternoon. I have been working on a scrapbook of all of her ultrasound pic's. She is such a little diva, last week she gave us the thumbs up. Hope you all have a blessed Sunday, Thank you for all the prayers HOPEFULLY GOD IS GETTING THE MESSAGE!!! P.S. Pretty sure that Maggie loves Bluesy/ Soul music.. She goes crazy every time she hears it :) 

Hey guys! It has been awhile since I have posted. We got to see Maggie yesterday on an ultra sound. She is still doing good. Heart rate was 149 BPM and she is still growing. The wonderful women at the Pregnancy Resource Center gave Hayden a book called We were having a baby and got an angel instead. The book is so spot on how to explain to a 3yr old what is going on. THANK YOU!
Today I went to the OB and she thinks Maggie is doing good too. Other than that I still have no other updates. I am trying to keep strong in my faith with God's plan. I thank God everyday for the great people that he has placed in my life. Again, I would like to thank the Pregnancy Resource center in Kankakee. I have met the most amazing women there. They do so much for our community. If you have a chance check out the web/facebook page. They are always looking for Diapers, wipes, formula, girl/boy clothing up to a size 2T , and helping hands. Please take a look at what they offer our community. http://www.hopeforafuture.com

A sad day

I have had such a sad day today. I was not going to write, but I thought it might help me clear my head. I had a counseling appointment this morning. At first I thought I had nothing to say to her, but then it all just poured out. I am having such conflicting feelings. At one moment I will  be at peace about Maggie, and the next I will be a big pile of mush. I try my best to turn my feelings off , and turn on survival mode for Hayden ,but the further I get the harder it gets. I know logically that I can not hide for this. At some point Maggie will need to come out of my body either by her own will , or because she has died. I don't want it to happen because I know once she is here that her life is over.


I am terrified to have another c-section.  My c-section with Hayden was traumatic to say the least.  I keep having these terrible flash backs of my laying on the operating table, and the doctor telling me the baby is out of me, and not hearing anything. Hayden did not cry for a good 2 minutes, and then he was rushed into the other room because of his heart condition that we knew nothing about. When I got to the recovery room my blood pressure went threw the roof. Once they got me stabilized, and back to my room I blacked  out.

I know what to expect with Maggie. I know not to expect her to cry.  I just know the time that we will have with her will be very quick. As her mother I am going to want to be there immediately for her, but that will be impossible with me laying on a table with my insides hanging out. I know I will want to see her , and hold her while she is still with us, but again that will be impossible with me in recovery. I am also scared that I will have complications again from the c-section. I pray every night for the lord to let me live threw the c-section. I have my dear Hayden to finish raising. Just as much as I need him, he needs me.
Once, we make it past the delivery then I get to spend at least once night in the maternity ward, hearing babies cry or being born. How unfair is that! Then I get to leave with no baby , no car seat in hand. I try not to imagine all of this , but it is the little details that get me.

Also, since planning the funeral I have been thinking if I can even go to it. Shame on me! I am her mother I should be there, but its not like I will not know , or it will not be real to me. She will be coming out of my body possible dead or dieing very soon after. I will not get to bring her home EVER! Do I need to endure more pain. I do not want to be in denial, but I don't know if I can go. I don't know if I can see her casket with her in it or think about what I dressed her in. I know what spot I picked out , and when I am ready I can always go visit her. ( Those are my survival mode thoughts) Then I say shame on you , you are her mother , and when she needs you , you will not be there for her.

Then my mind starts to really forward think.. I will never get to bring her home. I will never get to dress her. I will never see what color her eyes would of been. see her crawl, smile, coo,or feed her. Then jump ahead... I will never get to brush her hair, watch princess movies, have tea parties, bake cookies, see her dance, teach her how to wear makeup, talk to her about boys, hear about how another girl did not like her because of whatever, see her off to the dance, pick out her wedding dress, and finally never see her children. 


As I sit here and type Hayden asked me why I am crying. I usually brush it off and tell him they are happy tears. I just told him that I am crying because of Maggie. I know how special he is to me , and I am crying because I know what I will be missing with her because of him. God is really unfair at times. I do not understand his plan. This is so much more that my humanly mind can handle, and it is not over with yet. The hardest part has yet to come. Hold you babies tight, thank God for what he has given you. Understand that it is so precious , and can be taken away at any moment from you. Life is not a guarantee it is a short experience. Love the little things , the aggravating, and cherish the moments. 

A little Faith

Went to the funeral home this morning , and we got all of the plans finalized. We have decided to do a private service for family only. Maggie will have a closed casket, and prayer service. Then we will go straight to the cemetery. We have decided to run an obituary in our local paper. The obituary will have a link so that way all of our friends, and people following Maggie's Journey can sign her guest book. I will also have the link posted on the blog. We are asking in lieu of flower that you make donations to our family to help cover the burial cost, and anything left over will go to the University of Chicago for research for Multicystic Dysplastic Kidney Disease.  I hope you all understand the reason we are saying family only.. I do not want to have to put on a happy face, or be worried about greeting people, or talking to anyone. I will also be recovering from a c-section , and I do not want to push my body more than I will have to push it.

After we left the funeral home we went to a florist to pick out a spread of flowers to put on her casket. I lost it when they placed the book in front of my , and there was one with a pink teddy bear. It is funny how strong I can be in some moments , and then seeing the teddy bear on the casket I just crumble. We chose one of all Gerber Daisy that will be in pinks, and purple with a polka dot ribbon.

I am at peace with the decisions we have made. Don't get me wrong I am still very, very, heart broken ,but God is giving me the strength that I need to get threw the days of planning. I can only believe that he will not leave my side , and give me what I need to make it threw her birth , and burial. I will never be the same or hole again because she will always be missing from our earthly home. One day we will be together again with no sadness or pain.
                                                                      A Little Faith

Faith is both the substance of things hoped for and the evidence that things exist that are not yet perceived with the senses.