A sad day

I have had such a sad day today. I was not going to write, but I thought it might help me clear my head. I had a counseling appointment this morning. At first I thought I had nothing to say to her, but then it all just poured out. I am having such conflicting feelings. At one moment I will  be at peace about Maggie, and the next I will be a big pile of mush. I try my best to turn my feelings off , and turn on survival mode for Hayden ,but the further I get the harder it gets. I know logically that I can not hide for this. At some point Maggie will need to come out of my body either by her own will , or because she has died. I don't want it to happen because I know once she is here that her life is over.


I am terrified to have another c-section.  My c-section with Hayden was traumatic to say the least.  I keep having these terrible flash backs of my laying on the operating table, and the doctor telling me the baby is out of me, and not hearing anything. Hayden did not cry for a good 2 minutes, and then he was rushed into the other room because of his heart condition that we knew nothing about. When I got to the recovery room my blood pressure went threw the roof. Once they got me stabilized, and back to my room I blacked  out.

I know what to expect with Maggie. I know not to expect her to cry.  I just know the time that we will have with her will be very quick. As her mother I am going to want to be there immediately for her, but that will be impossible with me laying on a table with my insides hanging out. I know I will want to see her , and hold her while she is still with us, but again that will be impossible with me in recovery. I am also scared that I will have complications again from the c-section. I pray every night for the lord to let me live threw the c-section. I have my dear Hayden to finish raising. Just as much as I need him, he needs me.
Once, we make it past the delivery then I get to spend at least once night in the maternity ward, hearing babies cry or being born. How unfair is that! Then I get to leave with no baby , no car seat in hand. I try not to imagine all of this , but it is the little details that get me.

Also, since planning the funeral I have been thinking if I can even go to it. Shame on me! I am her mother I should be there, but its not like I will not know , or it will not be real to me. She will be coming out of my body possible dead or dieing very soon after. I will not get to bring her home EVER! Do I need to endure more pain. I do not want to be in denial, but I don't know if I can go. I don't know if I can see her casket with her in it or think about what I dressed her in. I know what spot I picked out , and when I am ready I can always go visit her. ( Those are my survival mode thoughts) Then I say shame on you , you are her mother , and when she needs you , you will not be there for her.

Then my mind starts to really forward think.. I will never get to bring her home. I will never get to dress her. I will never see what color her eyes would of been. see her crawl, smile, coo,or feed her. Then jump ahead... I will never get to brush her hair, watch princess movies, have tea parties, bake cookies, see her dance, teach her how to wear makeup, talk to her about boys, hear about how another girl did not like her because of whatever, see her off to the dance, pick out her wedding dress, and finally never see her children. 


As I sit here and type Hayden asked me why I am crying. I usually brush it off and tell him they are happy tears. I just told him that I am crying because of Maggie. I know how special he is to me , and I am crying because I know what I will be missing with her because of him. God is really unfair at times. I do not understand his plan. This is so much more that my humanly mind can handle, and it is not over with yet. The hardest part has yet to come. Hold you babies tight, thank God for what he has given you. Understand that it is so precious , and can be taken away at any moment from you. Life is not a guarantee it is a short experience. Love the little things , the aggravating, and cherish the moments.