Well, I had a break down today.... Freaking out about my job interview tomorrow! I am not ready to go back to work,but we need the money. I feel like I can not be everything that my family needs me to be. I can not work full time, keep a house full time, and take basically be a single mom because Don will work an opposite shift than me. I am still greatly mourning Maggie too. All of this is too much. I know my life my move on..but going back to work is a major life style change for me. VERY overwhelmed!!

A little ray of sunshine

I had a great day today. Woke up, made dinner for a family that just had a baby. Then we went on a walk, while Hayden rode his bike. Ran some errands, then brought a very special lady some flowers to cheer her up. ( There is nothing like cheering someone up who has been so good to you )  Hayden played with some friends this afternoon on his water slide.. then out to Yiayia's house for dinner. I had a butterfly follow me everywhere I went today. I love days like that.. it makes me feel like Maggie is with me in every moment of my day. I miss her less, and think about her more on days like today. I know that sentence probably made no sense to anyone ,but I almost can feel her presence when the butterfly follows me around. Think I'm crazy, but this is our (me, and Maggie's ) journey. I am starting to really believe that just because the soul leaves a body, does not mean that it can't still make it presence her on earth every now, and again. Days like today give me strength .. let me feel like it is possible to go on with out her. I am hoping that as time goes on I have more good than bad days. I know what set me off , and gave me a couple of bad days.. then those day's ran into Wednesday. Wednesday always seems like a long day.. I think it is because every Thursday we go see Maggie for our "date day". Maybe I should just change the day to Wednesday that we go , and see her..,but then I think Tuesday would turn into the long day..  Any who.. starting to see a light in this long dark tunnel.

Operation get a life......

Operation, get a life is starting today..... I am tired of being consumed with grief.. all I think about is not having my Maggie here. I am tired of being jealous of other people. I am tired of feeling alone.
 Step #1 I need to find a job . This could be a little difficult considering I would need to find part time days. I can only work from 8 am- 2pm , that way it works around Don , and him working afternoon's. I think if I have time away from the house it will give me a break, but keep my mind from wondering. Also,  extra money will help us be able to do extra things we can't do right now.
Step #2 Make some new friends. I need to find scan relate some people that can relate to where I am at , and where I need to get to. I hate that the only time my phone rings during the day is when medical bill collectors are calling to collect money on my dead baby girl. They started calling the week after we got home, and they have not stopped. Two or Three times a day they call! I am sorry , but we don't have any money to give you. After we pay our bills, put gas in the car, and buy a little food we are BROKE! After we went to the park yesterday I came home, and just stared at the walls. I took a shower about 7pm , and was in bed by 8. I am so depressed. The walls are starting to close in. I put everyone needs before my own , and that is not getting my anywhere ,but more depressed..
So, I have a meeting today at 10 am , then I am going to start looking for a job. If anyone knows of anywhere hiring please let me know.

Depression

Depressed today. I feel like I could go to sleep forever. I know all it is, is mind over matter, but to tell you the truth I am tired of being strong.. I am tired of thinking positive about it all. It all really sucks. All I want to do is snuggle , and care for my baby, but I can't. The hurt takes my breath away. I feel so alone in this struggle.

UGH!

Feeling terrible....I think I keep kidding myself that I am doing fine... I am not. I just had the world biggest break down as I was getting dressed. I HATE my body. I look nasty...and what I hate more than that is the fact that I do not even have my Maggie here to show for it. Some times I feel like everything I went through was for nothing. I am so tired of the mental anguish.. I am so tired of hurting... I am tired of my arms feeling empty. I am so tired of exploring different adoption options, only to find out that $ is the issue. It is SO unfair! I am so tired of feeling alone, and empty. THIS SUCKS! I hate that I am jealous of people with babies. I am not a jealous person... this is really bringing the nasty side of me out. I just paste a big ol smile on my face , and tell everyone I am just fine... I am not fine.. I am a big mess!!! WHY!!! I don't understand WHY!

What a long weekend!! I finally had my doctors appointment, and everything is looking good. They think what is going on with my kidney's is due from the pregnancy. They are going to keep an eye on the cyst. I go back in three months for another check up , ultra sound, and labs.

I made it through the baby shower on Sunday. I was so nervous, that I was going to be a basket case, and cry the whole time. I did not cry, but I was pretty sad felt really lost..... I know Maggie death is part of God's great plan.. I still could not stop asking my self why Maggie. Why do other babies live, but she couldn't. I did everything right,and we did not want her any less than they wanted their baby. I guess it just is what it is sometimes. Deep breath in.... deep breath out. Now, I just have to find a $ tree to get the adoption process going. Again, I know $ can't buy you happiness, but it is a great tool to get you to it.

NO fancy onesie stickers for us each month ..no snuggles  for us each night... no showers to celebrate your safe arrival .... ,but we brought you some balloons to help celebrate you flying, and guarding over us for one month. Hope your having a great day my sweet angel. I love you, Maggie. Missing you so much it hurts right now.