Hits you like a ton

Here it comes again hitting me like boulder, and knocking the wind out of me. Of course I cry , hold my breath because it hurts to breath, but no need to fear I'll be picking myself right back up , and moving forward again. Its hard not to feel like I was robbed, that something is missing, or a complete failure  I have failed at a lot of things in life, but I believe this is the worst thing to fail at... loosing a child. People look at me, and judge me with out really knowing me. If you really knew.... I have no confidence left .... I feel like I am not good at anything. You think I am a bitch, well to be honest I just really have no will to "fake it" anymore. Life is short , so if you want sugar coated gum drops .. I am not your gal.. if that makes me a bitch than so be it. Everyone has trials that they must live with, but again I dare someone to walk a block in my shoes. Really feel the emotions that go along with this process. AGH! I should not have started this journey with school. I am overwhelmed, judged, and sick and tired of feelings that go along with all of it. I want so bad to throw my  hands up in the air, and cry in a corner, and just not move on. All these feelings are overwhelming, and NO I am not ready to medicate myself to feel numb, or to "cope" . I want to be kissing a sleeping baby with jet black thick curly hair. Dressing a little girl up , watching her grow, learning  pull her self up, but that is not the way the cookie crumbled. Then I get angry because I am so scared to even try again for another child for fear that I could re live this all over again. Well, time to suck the tears up, and get back to studying for this skin test at school.. wipe the mud of my face, and keep going.

:(

I was doing so well, and thought the Christmas season would pass by without me going into a major funk. Well, I thought wrong! The past couple of days all I have done is cry. I think the shooting of all those little angels triggered it. Every time I think of what those families are going through I relive having to bury Maggie. Ugh! I feel so lonely.. late afternoons/ nights are terrible. :(

Merry Christmas!!

Hey guys it has been awhile. I just wanted to pop on, and let everyone know I am doing great! School, is going good, and my home life is busy, busy, busy. I still have an occasional bad day, where all I want to do is cry, but for the most part I am happy. I never thought that I would get my smile back, be able to joke around, or tell Maggie's story with out sobbing. It is possible!! I still have a long road ahead of me, but I am here to tell you that there is light along the tunnel :)
                 Maggie's head stone had been placed, and we decorated around it for Christmas!! We also found a huge white butterfly ornament to put on the tree, and hung a stocking for her. She is here in everything that we do. I will try to get some pictures posted of all of her things. Happy Holidays, and Merry Christmas everyone!  May you find the peace you need this Holiday season!

Sneaks up on ya !

There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss her. It is mostly peaceful thoughts, or memories with out pain. Every once in awhile it's not... like today. I was walking through a store, and in the middle of the Christmas stuff was all kinds of pink "babies 1st Christmas" items. I just about lost it ( for those of you who know me.. I sucked it up.. no way would I be caught dead sobbing in a Christmas section at a store.) All afternoon has been terrible. One main word to describe it would be crippling. I have sobbed, and sobbed ( of course in private, and hiding it from Hayden) . I hate days like today. I hate the numbness I hate the feeling of wanting to curl up in a ball, and hide. I am no weak cookie by any means, but the grief is so debilitating. I want to stop all process forward , and just feel sorry for myself. It crazy, but even breathing is hard. I am waiting for it to get easier, waiting for it to go away, waiting to feel like I was not robbed.  Also, a couple of nights ago a HUGE brown moth/ butterfly got into the house some how , and was just hanging out on my bedroom wall. I did not have the heart to kill it.. I just said Hi Maggie.. then today as I was walking down the stairs I seen another one a little smaller, and thought to myself your still hanging around. I was really smiling ear to ear on the inside because it has been a few months since I have seen a butterfly. Maybe she still comes around when I need her the most. Ida know.... Still waiting for peace... grief is one terrible sneaky cycle.. UGH! Can you believe on 11/19 it will be 7 months...

TIME

Hard to believe that another month has almost passed. There is not a day that does by that I do not talk about Maggie, think about  Maggie, and wish that I could change her fate. It has been a very long time since I have been out to visit Maggie's grave. In a way I feel bad, but there is only so much my heart can handle. We will be going tomarrow to have a picnic with her per  Hayden's request. He really does love her so much. Out of no where on Sunday he brought her up, and how much he missed her. So, tomarrow we will come out, and see her.. maybe if we are lucky we might get a glipse at a beautiful butterfly.

Watching 9-11 recaps today was hard. All of the parents say that 9-11 is everyday of the year for them. I agree very much with this.. it is never over.. some days the sadness is a little duller than others. Losing a child no matter how or where it happens is tragic. I don't want to say I KNOW what they went through because I don't. All I know is as a mother once you grow/ carry that baby inside you, and you have to bury it before you are buried - it is horrific. Today all day I felt like something was missing, and I could not put my hand on it...it was Maggie! She is suppose to be here.

My body feels so morphed. In some respects I do not feel like I had my second child 5 months ago. People see me that have not seen me in awhile , and either say to things. You look like you have dropped weight or is everything ok you look like you have gained weight. Either way it is terrible. I want to scream , and say you idiots I just popped out a kid 5 months ago. I am pretty sure that if she was here to show for it you would not be bringing it up either way. ( Plus on a side note body bounced back GREAT after the 1st , the second it looks like I have been in a fighting match with Mike Tyson.. All you mom that have had more that two, and look AMAZING .... YOU ARE AWESOME!! )

Well, enough of this .. just keep praying for me that one day I will find some peace.

4 Months Flying

Its so hard to believe that I have a four month old. It has been a really emotionally rough week for me. I feel so torn with my life moving forward. Its hard not to have a pity party for myself. I have tried to stop asking why, and have been trying to say thank you for what I do have... easier said than done. I cried myself to sleep last night.. I would give just about anything to have her here with me. Time has made it a little easier to numb the pain, but sometimes it just sneaks up on you. I rub her foot prints in the heart shape plaster molds, touch her baby fine dark hair, and look at her picture to remind myself that she was here.. it was not some horrible nightmare ... it was a real journey sprinkled with Hope, Faith, and Grace.     So, Happy 4 months flying my sweet Maggie! xoxo

Belly Cast

The belly cast is done. It turned out beautiful! While I was getting the supplies to make it a very nice lady who was waiting in line next to me asked me what I was making with all the pink I had. With a big smile, and a little bit of tears I got to tell a complete stranger about Maggie. Then I got home , and started the process of decorating it. Again, I got to check something off my list that I never thought that I would be able to do because I lost her. I got to make a tutu for her. So, as I am making it the tears are just rolling down my face.. tears not only of joy,but sadness. I will never get to see her dance with it on, or get to take her to ballet practice,but it was made just for her. I will take what I can get.. I had more moments with her than some get, and I had a lot less memories than most get. If you have to re-read that then please do. There are many moms that do not get the time that I had, nor the answers, or closer, and to the moms out there that have been blessed with time make sure you hug your children extra tight.  I thought I would feel peace with it being done, and hanging on the wall... I don't... every time I look at it I want to sob. Maybe because it is a reminder that the nightmare was really real... she was here, and now she is gone.