Sneaks up on ya !

There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss her. It is mostly peaceful thoughts, or memories with out pain. Every once in awhile it's not... like today. I was walking through a store, and in the middle of the Christmas stuff was all kinds of pink "babies 1st Christmas" items. I just about lost it ( for those of you who know me.. I sucked it up.. no way would I be caught dead sobbing in a Christmas section at a store.) All afternoon has been terrible. One main word to describe it would be crippling. I have sobbed, and sobbed ( of course in private, and hiding it from Hayden) . I hate days like today. I hate the numbness I hate the feeling of wanting to curl up in a ball, and hide. I am no weak cookie by any means, but the grief is so debilitating. I want to stop all process forward , and just feel sorry for myself. It crazy, but even breathing is hard. I am waiting for it to get easier, waiting for it to go away, waiting to feel like I was not robbed.  Also, a couple of nights ago a HUGE brown moth/ butterfly got into the house some how , and was just hanging out on my bedroom wall. I did not have the heart to kill it.. I just said Hi Maggie.. then today as I was walking down the stairs I seen another one a little smaller, and thought to myself your still hanging around. I was really smiling ear to ear on the inside because it has been a few months since I have seen a butterfly. Maybe she still comes around when I need her the most. Ida know.... Still waiting for peace... grief is one terrible sneaky cycle.. UGH! Can you believe on 11/19 it will be 7 months...