Sneaks up on ya !

There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss her. It is mostly peaceful thoughts, or memories with out pain. Every once in awhile it's not... like today. I was walking through a store, and in the middle of the Christmas stuff was all kinds of pink "babies 1st Christmas" items. I just about lost it ( for those of you who know me.. I sucked it up.. no way would I be caught dead sobbing in a Christmas section at a store.) All afternoon has been terrible. One main word to describe it would be crippling. I have sobbed, and sobbed ( of course in private, and hiding it from Hayden) . I hate days like today. I hate the numbness I hate the feeling of wanting to curl up in a ball, and hide. I am no weak cookie by any means, but the grief is so debilitating. I want to stop all process forward , and just feel sorry for myself. It crazy, but even breathing is hard. I am waiting for it to get easier, waiting for it to go away, waiting to feel like I was not robbed.  Also, a couple of nights ago a HUGE brown moth/ butterfly got into the house some how , and was just hanging out on my bedroom wall. I did not have the heart to kill it.. I just said Hi Maggie.. then today as I was walking down the stairs I seen another one a little smaller, and thought to myself your still hanging around. I was really smiling ear to ear on the inside because it has been a few months since I have seen a butterfly. Maybe she still comes around when I need her the most. Ida know.... Still waiting for peace... grief is one terrible sneaky cycle.. UGH! Can you believe on 11/19 it will be 7 months...

TIME

Hard to believe that another month has almost passed. There is not a day that does by that I do not talk about Maggie, think about  Maggie, and wish that I could change her fate. It has been a very long time since I have been out to visit Maggie's grave. In a way I feel bad, but there is only so much my heart can handle. We will be going tomarrow to have a picnic with her per  Hayden's request. He really does love her so much. Out of no where on Sunday he brought her up, and how much he missed her. So, tomarrow we will come out, and see her.. maybe if we are lucky we might get a glipse at a beautiful butterfly.

Watching 9-11 recaps today was hard. All of the parents say that 9-11 is everyday of the year for them. I agree very much with this.. it is never over.. some days the sadness is a little duller than others. Losing a child no matter how or where it happens is tragic. I don't want to say I KNOW what they went through because I don't. All I know is as a mother once you grow/ carry that baby inside you, and you have to bury it before you are buried - it is horrific. Today all day I felt like something was missing, and I could not put my hand on it...it was Maggie! She is suppose to be here.

My body feels so morphed. In some respects I do not feel like I had my second child 5 months ago. People see me that have not seen me in awhile , and either say to things. You look like you have dropped weight or is everything ok you look like you have gained weight. Either way it is terrible. I want to scream , and say you idiots I just popped out a kid 5 months ago. I am pretty sure that if she was here to show for it you would not be bringing it up either way. ( Plus on a side note body bounced back GREAT after the 1st , the second it looks like I have been in a fighting match with Mike Tyson.. All you mom that have had more that two, and look AMAZING .... YOU ARE AWESOME!! )

Well, enough of this .. just keep praying for me that one day I will find some peace.

4 Months Flying

Its so hard to believe that I have a four month old. It has been a really emotionally rough week for me. I feel so torn with my life moving forward. Its hard not to have a pity party for myself. I have tried to stop asking why, and have been trying to say thank you for what I do have... easier said than done. I cried myself to sleep last night.. I would give just about anything to have her here with me. Time has made it a little easier to numb the pain, but sometimes it just sneaks up on you. I rub her foot prints in the heart shape plaster molds, touch her baby fine dark hair, and look at her picture to remind myself that she was here.. it was not some horrible nightmare ... it was a real journey sprinkled with Hope, Faith, and Grace.     So, Happy 4 months flying my sweet Maggie! xoxo

Belly Cast

The belly cast is done. It turned out beautiful! While I was getting the supplies to make it a very nice lady who was waiting in line next to me asked me what I was making with all the pink I had. With a big smile, and a little bit of tears I got to tell a complete stranger about Maggie. Then I got home , and started the process of decorating it. Again, I got to check something off my list that I never thought that I would be able to do because I lost her. I got to make a tutu for her. So, as I am making it the tears are just rolling down my face.. tears not only of joy,but sadness. I will never get to see her dance with it on, or get to take her to ballet practice,but it was made just for her. I will take what I can get.. I had more moments with her than some get, and I had a lot less memories than most get. If you have to re-read that then please do. There are many moms that do not get the time that I had, nor the answers, or closer, and to the moms out there that have been blessed with time make sure you hug your children extra tight.  I thought I would feel peace with it being done, and hanging on the wall... I don't... every time I look at it I want to sob. Maybe because it is a reminder that the nightmare was really real... she was here, and now she is gone.

I am saying out loud !

STILL is a documentary film project committed to breaking the silence about pregnancy and infant loss.

STILL will be a feature length documentary film which tells the stories of families from all walks of life who have suffered the loss of a baby during pregnancy or during infancy.

STILL is for those who grieve as well as those who want to reach out and understand.

STILL represents the silence of the babies who have died and the steadfast resilience of their surviving families.

 

Please go to http://stillproject.org to check out this AMAZING project.

 

I am saying it  out loud I have lost, and LOVED one of the greatest gifts GOD gave me. I am SURIVING one small step at a time. This does not make me any less, but a little more special!

 

Happy 3 months flying

Today you would have been three months old. I could write a long list of what we would of been doing, but here I sit alone just wondering. I thank God every day for the bittersweet time we had. I would have been lost with out knowing you, and I am lost with out you. I promise I am moving forward, each day is less debilitating. There are less why Me's , and more peaceful memories. I feel like I am trapped in this weird time capsule. I feel like I have accomplished so much, in these short 3 months. If I really wanted to be honest with my self I am shocked. Am I moving on forgetting, or am I just adjusting?? Sometimes I transport myself back in memories.. I can feel you move, or kick.. even respond to your brother voice.. then reality comes crashing back to  hit me in he face. Earth is not my eternal home.. I will see you one day.. hopefully not too soon. Till then know you have 1/2 my heart while the other half is here with your brother. I love you Maggie xoxo

Been awhile!

Good morning everyone!!! It has been a long time since I have posted.. We got a different Internet carrier, and I have just been living life. Maggie will be three months flying tomorrow. It seems like an eternity since I last held her in my arms. I keep trying to move forward in life ,but major personal issues keep bringing me down. Also, it feels very lonely after the cloud of excitement dust has cleared away. People stop calling, or stop coming around. Maybe its my fault. I have tried to put my best face on because I don't want to live in a state of horrible depression. That does not mean I am all better, and do not need friends because I do.
           I LOVE getting emails from people that are going through the same situation as me, and Maggie.. SO, you out there,  need an ear ,or have questions for me please email me: Haydensmom1008@yahoo.com . Know that you are not alone :)