Walking to honor Maggie

We are walking for the March Of Dimes on May 5 2013 in honor of Maggie!! We are asking everyone to donate in honor of her first birthday. To donate please go to :http://www.marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?pp&ct=4&w=6078085&u=MaggieFaithHopeAnderson&bt=15  . If you would like talk walk with us please let me know :) Thank you all so much! 

Dr. Mehta

                                                        Dr. Mehta with Maggie 4-19-12 
The world lost an amazing man. Dr. Mehta will always hold a special place in my heart. He delivered both of my children. He saved my life, and my son's during my first c section. He became my friend when I was pregnant with Maggie. He told me like it was and pushed me to get back on my feet. When I was laying in a hospital bed crying my eyes out, and refusing to move he came in , and cranked the c-section binder, and told me to get up. I continued to blubber, and told him that I could not. He raised the bed , and said, " Kid, you got a lot of life left in you, get up and FIGHT for what you have left! " Many visits during my pregnancy with Maggie we had talks about life, and he shared a lot of what he was going through.  You will be missed DR!!

Life after Maggie!

I was out and about in town today, and  I was checking out all the different salons to see where I am interested in doing an internship at. At one of the local salons some one asked me if I was the lady that wrote the "blog". I had to stop and think , and she explained her self some more.... Oh, YES!! I am the lady with the blog!! LOL I have come such a long way in this last year. I think some times I forget to post all the positive things that have happened to me since loosing Maggie.

                         The next stop I made today was to the OB DR. She asked how I had been, and what had been going on... then I told her about me being the "blog" lady around town. She laughed , and said isn't it great to be a role model or a mentor to people... I was a little shocked.. ME!! A mentor/ role model ??? NO WAY...  The hole time I have been going through my Journey with/ with out Maggie I have felt very private even though I get on here , and vent. So, it opened my eyes today to see that my precious little Maggie could  make such an impact on so many lives :) Thank you for reading!!

  My life continues to go on, and no I am not EEYORE with a giant cloud over my head! I live , laugh, love, and enjoy life !!!  I am not a victim, I am a survivor! Here is some pic of great times!! I will have to keep you guys posted on all the amazing things that keep coming my way! PS Come in and see me at PAUL MITCHELL THE SCHOOL to get your hair done, and catch up with me .CALL 815 932 5049 to make an appointment !!

Life is to short not to chase your dreams

The past year of my life has been a journey. A journey that has turned my life upside down, and turned me inside out. It has made me question every deep seeded belief that I have ever had. At 19 weeks pregnant I found out that I was pregnant with a baby girl, but the pregnancy was fatal. Maggie had a rare disease called Multicystic Dysplastic kidney disease or Potters Syndrome. I had the choice to terminate the pregnancy or keep going, and I choose to carry her as long as I could. She was born April 19, 2012. She was 6lbs 10 oz , and looked perfect in every way from the outside. She lived for an hour and half, and died peacefully in my arms. I was consumed by grief after this tragic event, I had no idea what to do or how to move forward in my life. So, after two months of wallowing, and feeling sorry for myself  I started "operation get a life" .

 Operation get a life consisted of two things .. number one get a job, and number 2 make some new friends. Getting a job proved to be harder than what I thought it was going to be.. every ad that I came across, or every interview that I went to my heart was just not in it. Then the light bulb came on!!! After everything that I had been through  I had been given the gift of the "reset" button. I had seen first hand how short life can really be.... I was thinking of a million things that I would never get to do with my daughter, but  it was not to late for me, I could still do a million things on my bucket list all I had to do was DO them.

So, one of the things that I had always wanted to do was HAIR. I had looked into school at least three other times since I was in High School. Something in life was always "just not right". The "just not rights" were people talking me out of it, money being tight, my own fear, having a young child to look after, only have one vehicle . the list went on , and on. Well, operation get a life put a bug up my butt you might say. It was time, and nothing was going to stop me. I went to Paul Mitchell the School's web site, and found the link to the financial aide web site. That night I filled out my own FASFA, and sent my Application into the school. Nothing was stopping me now. 

I am happy to say that  now I only have about four months of school left. I was the best decision that I have ever made. I am not saying that it has been easy, because it has not been.  I have found my number 2 in operation get a life, but I call them much more than friends , they have become my new family.. my light at the begging of a new journey.  I am so blessed to have the opportunity to go to Pmts Bradley. If you would of asked me a year ago what I would be doing today.... I would of said just trying to make it out of bed. Rainbows come when you need them the most. So, thank you to all my new friends/ family at PMTS for helping me when I needed it the most.

Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it. So, why wait another day to chase whatever dream you have??? Life is short, and growing older is a privilege denied to many. 

Thank you for your time - Liz 

If you would like to read my blog about my journey with Maggie please go to www.http://maggiefaithandersonjourney.blogspot.com

Enjoying a moment in life.

I don't know how to start this post so I guess I will just start rambling.... I feel like I have been going through a cycle where I forget that I am a  mom to an angel baby. I am not upset about it , more a feeling of shock. There are some days that I do not think about her at all. Then there are other moments like to day ... We were talking a walk, and I was thinking about how beautiful of a morning it was. Hayden riding his bike, and Don and I walking hand in hand while Alive (our dog)  is pulling us to keep up with Hayden. The sun was shinning and the birds were cheeping. I just said a prayer to thank God for this beautiful moment, and letting us have peace because of all that we had been through. I did have a quick moment where I wished that I was pushing a stroller with Maggie in it, but the thought passes as quickly as it came. There were no tears of sadness tied to it. Then I came home and found an ad for pregnancy loss jewelry . I clicked on the link just to see what they had to offer,but had no need to shop on the site. Also, I have not been out to her grave since before Christmas. I kept telling Don that we need to get out there to remove the decorations, but in all honestly there is not a NEED to live out there any longer. So, these feelings comes with mixed emotions.. is this just another "cycle" in the grief phase or am I finally learning to how to manage life with out her here?? Writing out that sentence just made me tear up a little. Tears because she is gone, maybe tears of guilt/fear because I am letting go a little more, and tears of joy because I am able to start leading my not grief. 

P.s. I want this shirt BAD!! Sums up how Maggie (butterflies) taught me life is to short not to chase your dreams!! 

Hits you like a ton

Here it comes again hitting me like boulder, and knocking the wind out of me. Of course I cry , hold my breath because it hurts to breath, but no need to fear I'll be picking myself right back up , and moving forward again. Its hard not to feel like I was robbed, that something is missing, or a complete failure  I have failed at a lot of things in life, but I believe this is the worst thing to fail at... loosing a child. People look at me, and judge me with out really knowing me. If you really knew.... I have no confidence left .... I feel like I am not good at anything. You think I am a bitch, well to be honest I just really have no will to "fake it" anymore. Life is short , so if you want sugar coated gum drops .. I am not your gal.. if that makes me a bitch than so be it. Everyone has trials that they must live with, but again I dare someone to walk a block in my shoes. Really feel the emotions that go along with this process. AGH! I should not have started this journey with school. I am overwhelmed, judged, and sick and tired of feelings that go along with all of it. I want so bad to throw my  hands up in the air, and cry in a corner, and just not move on. All these feelings are overwhelming, and NO I am not ready to medicate myself to feel numb, or to "cope" . I want to be kissing a sleeping baby with jet black thick curly hair. Dressing a little girl up , watching her grow, learning  pull her self up, but that is not the way the cookie crumbled. Then I get angry because I am so scared to even try again for another child for fear that I could re live this all over again. Well, time to suck the tears up, and get back to studying for this skin test at school.. wipe the mud of my face, and keep going.

:(

I was doing so well, and thought the Christmas season would pass by without me going into a major funk. Well, I thought wrong! The past couple of days all I have done is cry. I think the shooting of all those little angels triggered it. Every time I think of what those families are going through I relive having to bury Maggie. Ugh! I feel so lonely.. late afternoons/ nights are terrible. :(

Merry Christmas!!

Hey guys it has been awhile. I just wanted to pop on, and let everyone know I am doing great! School, is going good, and my home life is busy, busy, busy. I still have an occasional bad day, where all I want to do is cry, but for the most part I am happy. I never thought that I would get my smile back, be able to joke around, or tell Maggie's story with out sobbing. It is possible!! I still have a long road ahead of me, but I am here to tell you that there is light along the tunnel :)
                 Maggie's head stone had been placed, and we decorated around it for Christmas!! We also found a huge white butterfly ornament to put on the tree, and hung a stocking for her. She is here in everything that we do. I will try to get some pictures posted of all of her things. Happy Holidays, and Merry Christmas everyone!  May you find the peace you need this Holiday season!

Sneaks up on ya !

There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss her. It is mostly peaceful thoughts, or memories with out pain. Every once in awhile it's not... like today. I was walking through a store, and in the middle of the Christmas stuff was all kinds of pink "babies 1st Christmas" items. I just about lost it ( for those of you who know me.. I sucked it up.. no way would I be caught dead sobbing in a Christmas section at a store.) All afternoon has been terrible. One main word to describe it would be crippling. I have sobbed, and sobbed ( of course in private, and hiding it from Hayden) . I hate days like today. I hate the numbness I hate the feeling of wanting to curl up in a ball, and hide. I am no weak cookie by any means, but the grief is so debilitating. I want to stop all process forward , and just feel sorry for myself. It crazy, but even breathing is hard. I am waiting for it to get easier, waiting for it to go away, waiting to feel like I was not robbed.  Also, a couple of nights ago a HUGE brown moth/ butterfly got into the house some how , and was just hanging out on my bedroom wall. I did not have the heart to kill it.. I just said Hi Maggie.. then today as I was walking down the stairs I seen another one a little smaller, and thought to myself your still hanging around. I was really smiling ear to ear on the inside because it has been a few months since I have seen a butterfly. Maybe she still comes around when I need her the most. Ida know.... Still waiting for peace... grief is one terrible sneaky cycle.. UGH! Can you believe on 11/19 it will be 7 months...

TIME

Hard to believe that another month has almost passed. There is not a day that does by that I do not talk about Maggie, think about  Maggie, and wish that I could change her fate. It has been a very long time since I have been out to visit Maggie's grave. In a way I feel bad, but there is only so much my heart can handle. We will be going tomarrow to have a picnic with her per  Hayden's request. He really does love her so much. Out of no where on Sunday he brought her up, and how much he missed her. So, tomarrow we will come out, and see her.. maybe if we are lucky we might get a glipse at a beautiful butterfly.

Watching 9-11 recaps today was hard. All of the parents say that 9-11 is everyday of the year for them. I agree very much with this.. it is never over.. some days the sadness is a little duller than others. Losing a child no matter how or where it happens is tragic. I don't want to say I KNOW what they went through because I don't. All I know is as a mother once you grow/ carry that baby inside you, and you have to bury it before you are buried - it is horrific. Today all day I felt like something was missing, and I could not put my hand on it...it was Maggie! She is suppose to be here.

My body feels so morphed. In some respects I do not feel like I had my second child 5 months ago. People see me that have not seen me in awhile , and either say to things. You look like you have dropped weight or is everything ok you look like you have gained weight. Either way it is terrible. I want to scream , and say you idiots I just popped out a kid 5 months ago. I am pretty sure that if she was here to show for it you would not be bringing it up either way. ( Plus on a side note body bounced back GREAT after the 1st , the second it looks like I have been in a fighting match with Mike Tyson.. All you mom that have had more that two, and look AMAZING .... YOU ARE AWESOME!! )

Well, enough of this .. just keep praying for me that one day I will find some peace.

4 Months Flying

Its so hard to believe that I have a four month old. It has been a really emotionally rough week for me. I feel so torn with my life moving forward. Its hard not to have a pity party for myself. I have tried to stop asking why, and have been trying to say thank you for what I do have... easier said than done. I cried myself to sleep last night.. I would give just about anything to have her here with me. Time has made it a little easier to numb the pain, but sometimes it just sneaks up on you. I rub her foot prints in the heart shape plaster molds, touch her baby fine dark hair, and look at her picture to remind myself that she was here.. it was not some horrible nightmare ... it was a real journey sprinkled with Hope, Faith, and Grace.     So, Happy 4 months flying my sweet Maggie! xoxo

Belly Cast

The belly cast is done. It turned out beautiful! While I was getting the supplies to make it a very nice lady who was waiting in line next to me asked me what I was making with all the pink I had. With a big smile, and a little bit of tears I got to tell a complete stranger about Maggie. Then I got home , and started the process of decorating it. Again, I got to check something off my list that I never thought that I would be able to do because I lost her. I got to make a tutu for her. So, as I am making it the tears are just rolling down my face.. tears not only of joy,but sadness. I will never get to see her dance with it on, or get to take her to ballet practice,but it was made just for her. I will take what I can get.. I had more moments with her than some get, and I had a lot less memories than most get. If you have to re-read that then please do. There are many moms that do not get the time that I had, nor the answers, or closer, and to the moms out there that have been blessed with time make sure you hug your children extra tight.  I thought I would feel peace with it being done, and hanging on the wall... I don't... every time I look at it I want to sob. Maybe because it is a reminder that the nightmare was really real... she was here, and now she is gone.

I am saying out loud !

STILL is a documentary film project committed to breaking the silence about pregnancy and infant loss.

STILL will be a feature length documentary film which tells the stories of families from all walks of life who have suffered the loss of a baby during pregnancy or during infancy.

STILL is for those who grieve as well as those who want to reach out and understand.

STILL represents the silence of the babies who have died and the steadfast resilience of their surviving families.

 

Please go to http://stillproject.org to check out this AMAZING project.

 

I am saying it  out loud I have lost, and LOVED one of the greatest gifts GOD gave me. I am SURIVING one small step at a time. This does not make me any less, but a little more special!

 

Happy 3 months flying

Today you would have been three months old. I could write a long list of what we would of been doing, but here I sit alone just wondering. I thank God every day for the bittersweet time we had. I would have been lost with out knowing you, and I am lost with out you. I promise I am moving forward, each day is less debilitating. There are less why Me's , and more peaceful memories. I feel like I am trapped in this weird time capsule. I feel like I have accomplished so much, in these short 3 months. If I really wanted to be honest with my self I am shocked. Am I moving on forgetting, or am I just adjusting?? Sometimes I transport myself back in memories.. I can feel you move, or kick.. even respond to your brother voice.. then reality comes crashing back to  hit me in he face. Earth is not my eternal home.. I will see you one day.. hopefully not too soon. Till then know you have 1/2 my heart while the other half is here with your brother. I love you Maggie xoxo

Been awhile!

Good morning everyone!!! It has been a long time since I have posted.. We got a different Internet carrier, and I have just been living life. Maggie will be three months flying tomorrow. It seems like an eternity since I last held her in my arms. I keep trying to move forward in life ,but major personal issues keep bringing me down. Also, it feels very lonely after the cloud of excitement dust has cleared away. People stop calling, or stop coming around. Maybe its my fault. I have tried to put my best face on because I don't want to live in a state of horrible depression. That does not mean I am all better, and do not need friends because I do.
           I LOVE getting emails from people that are going through the same situation as me, and Maggie.. SO, you out there,  need an ear ,or have questions for me please email me: Haydensmom1008@yahoo.com . Know that you are not alone :)

I deactivated my facebook account. If you want to know what is going on with my life please check my blog, or by all mean PICK UP THE PHONE, or stop on by!!!

Maggie Bear has made it home!

Maggie Bear came!! She is beautiful! When the post man put the box in my arms I knew it was her. I said God is this heavy.. then it hit me like a ton of bricks. The reality of it set it.. the "weight" of it. I ran to the kitchen cut the box open, held the bear, and sobbed. I called Hayden , and told him that Maggie Bear had came. He was squealing with delight, and so excited hold her. I drove across town to pick him up, and his reaction was so cute.. He said WHOA she is heabby. He was so happy. I can't wait to see what Don reaction to her will be. I sat in the chair, and put her on my chest one of the regrets that I had from the hospital, and I could feel the sadness melt away. :)

A little Rant!

I have not held anything back on my blog.. These are my true feelings, true language, this is what I need to survive other horrible thing in me life... if you can not handle it do not read it. Stop going to your mother asking her to tell me to watch what I put on FB, and my blog. I do not care if you do not like it, or if you think that it makes me look trashy. This is me! If you wanted a say in how I was raised them you should have stuck around regardless of what/whom you thought was in your way. Now that I am 26 you do not get a say. When I have needed you the most you where no were to be found! If me, or my language that I use bothers/embarrass you then you do not have to read it or come around me! * End Rant*

Dear Maggie

Dear Maggie,
Lord, How I miss you tonight. It feels like someone ripped the band aide off a fresh wound. Sometimes it all does not seem really, then I come crashing back down to reality. Hayden has been asking about you a lot lately.. he misses you so much.., and still loves you with such a pure heart. I can't wait to meet you again. Till then I will wait because I am alive even though you who was apart of me has died. I feel bad because I have not been out for our Thursday chats, it does not mean that I love you less.. it just hurts less to live for Thursdays. I know you understand... It hurts to breath tonight. I have never wanted anything more ,but to be able to change your outcome.. I was not able to, and some days I feel like I failed you. If your  flying with a little boy named Shelton tell him we said hello. We used some of your money to give him mommy, and daddy some peace. We paid the balance of his services off. I hope they find peace in that, and you my dear Maggie are always in their heart. I promise to keep doing acts of kindness in your name called Maggie's Miracles. I love you more than you will ever know my sweet angel.

Paying it forward...best feeling in the world!

I herd about a family who lost their baby at 8 months old today. They are doing a benefit for the family on 6/30/12 to help raise money for a urn, and to cover the cost of the funeral. After hearing about this I thought it was a great opportunity to pay it forward. I contacted the funeral home, and told them that our family would pay for the urn for the baby. We are paying it forward in honor of Maggie, and ALL the people that helped us out along her journey. It brings tears to my eyes to be able to not only honor my daughter,but this baby as well. I cried in the shower today thinking of this family, and the mother of the baby. I sobbed so hard because I know first hand the battles of what she is going through,but one battle that I did not have to worry about for long was the expenses of Maggie funeral, and burial arrangements. I am so glad that we can take some of Maggie's money to ease this families pain.
I have been thinking about Maggie an awful lot today. Some tears have come.but for the most part it has been peaceful thoughts. I thank her for the lessons she has taught me, and I am so grateful to have spent the time carrying her.

You have not lived until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.- UNKOWN

My Maggie lived.... I will never be able to repay her for what she gave me.. now I can only take the lessons, and apply them to my life :)