Hits you like a ton

Here it comes again hitting me like boulder, and knocking the wind out of me. Of course I cry , hold my breath because it hurts to breath, but no need to fear I'll be picking myself right back up , and moving forward again. Its hard not to feel like I was robbed, that something is missing, or a complete failure  I have failed at a lot of things in life, but I believe this is the worst thing to fail at... loosing a child. People look at me, and judge me with out really knowing me. If you really knew.... I have no confidence left .... I feel like I am not good at anything. You think I am a bitch, well to be honest I just really have no will to "fake it" anymore. Life is short , so if you want sugar coated gum drops .. I am not your gal.. if that makes me a bitch than so be it. Everyone has trials that they must live with, but again I dare someone to walk a block in my shoes. Really feel the emotions that go along with this process. AGH! I should not have started this journey with school. I am overwhelmed, judged, and sick and tired of feelings that go along with all of it. I want so bad to throw my  hands up in the air, and cry in a corner, and just not move on. All these feelings are overwhelming, and NO I am not ready to medicate myself to feel numb, or to "cope" . I want to be kissing a sleeping baby with jet black thick curly hair. Dressing a little girl up , watching her grow, learning  pull her self up, but that is not the way the cookie crumbled. Then I get angry because I am so scared to even try again for another child for fear that I could re live this all over again. Well, time to suck the tears up, and get back to studying for this skin test at school.. wipe the mud of my face, and keep going.