TIME

Hard to believe that another month has almost passed. There is not a day that does by that I do not talk about Maggie, think about  Maggie, and wish that I could change her fate. It has been a very long time since I have been out to visit Maggie's grave. In a way I feel bad, but there is only so much my heart can handle. We will be going tomarrow to have a picnic with her per  Hayden's request. He really does love her so much. Out of no where on Sunday he brought her up, and how much he missed her. So, tomarrow we will come out, and see her.. maybe if we are lucky we might get a glipse at a beautiful butterfly.

Watching 9-11 recaps today was hard. All of the parents say that 9-11 is everyday of the year for them. I agree very much with this.. it is never over.. some days the sadness is a little duller than others. Losing a child no matter how or where it happens is tragic. I don't want to say I KNOW what they went through because I don't. All I know is as a mother once you grow/ carry that baby inside you, and you have to bury it before you are buried - it is horrific. Today all day I felt like something was missing, and I could not put my hand on it...it was Maggie! She is suppose to be here.

My body feels so morphed. In some respects I do not feel like I had my second child 5 months ago. People see me that have not seen me in awhile , and either say to things. You look like you have dropped weight or is everything ok you look like you have gained weight. Either way it is terrible. I want to scream , and say you idiots I just popped out a kid 5 months ago. I am pretty sure that if she was here to show for it you would not be bringing it up either way. ( Plus on a side note body bounced back GREAT after the 1st , the second it looks like I have been in a fighting match with Mike Tyson.. All you mom that have had more that two, and look AMAZING .... YOU ARE AWESOME!! )

Well, enough of this .. just keep praying for me that one day I will find some peace.